C'est ma vie

My biggest fear

As much as I sometimes become annoyed with my kids (like this morning when it was just impossible to get them dressed and out the door), not a night goes by when I don't sneak into their room while they're fast asleep and count my blessings that they are healthy and full of life and how grateful I am for this. I keep thinking to myself that I had 3 wonderful labors, with no complications, all 3 were healthy, I just hope this doesn't mean that something bad is going to happen in the future.

My biggest fear as a parent is childhood cancer, SIDS, or some terrible accident and not being able to protect my children from all of this. There's a blog I read and practically every day she puts up prayer requests for families who have gone through awful, awful tragedies with their children. A 10 month old finding out she has cancer and then dying 3 weeks later. An 8 month old found dead in his bed the next morning, for no apparent medical reason. Children with brain tumors and leukemia. I can't even click on the links to these blogs because reading them makes me get a knot in my stomach and a hole in my heart. I did click on the blog about the 8 month old who passed away from SIDS and as I was reading the post about the moment they discovered their son was dead, tears were running down my face, for the family, and also in fear that this might happen to my own kids. That night I slept very close to Alice. 

But, we can't always protect our children, we can't always provide safety and comfort. I've been noticing lately that Louise's knees are turned in. I haven't worried because there's a picture of E when he's about 3 and his knees were really turned in and he turned out fine. So, I've kept quiet about my worry. The other day, E's cousin was over and when Louise woke up from her nap in just her underwear, so you could really see her legs, E's cousin said to me that I might want to talk to the doctor about Louise's turned in knees, that she might need to have it corrected by an orthopedic surgeon. Right away, worry sets in- surgery, my little girl, what if there's a mistake, what if something bad happens. Of course, we're not there yet and it might even be nothing, but I am terrified of anything more medically involved than common childhood illness. 

I think I am going to stop reading these blogs of all these horrible incidents with children, but at the same time, we are never fully protected and it could happen to any of us, which is the risk we take when we have kids.

Gopher Feet

Gopher Feet, originally uploaded by afoos.

Alice got her first gift from her future godfather- some cute gopher slippers from the place they went skiing last week. He is taking his role very seriously.

A Beautiful Morning

A Beautiful Morning, originally uploaded by afoos.

Outside of the kids' room this morning- the camera didn't do the reality justice- the colors were absolutely beautiful.

"Going to Paris, Mama"

"Going to Paris, Mama", originally uploaded by afoos.

This is totally my Louise. She changes shoes at least 10 times a day when we're at home, but mostly she'll pair these orange boots with another accessory (in this case, her sunglasses) and occasionally a doll and she'll say "I'm going to Paris, Mama" or "I'm going to work, see you later" or sometimes "I'm going to the market".

I think on this particular occasion she was going to Paris. And, of course, let's not forget the crayons (in her right hand). Essential for a trip into Paris.

The sunglasses are her potty gift for being potty trained for almost a month. Gab has a pair of sunglasses from last summer that he's been toting around the apartment and they end up fighting over them. I asked Louise if she wanted a pair for her potty training gift and she said 'yes'. Etienne HATES kids in sunglasses- he thinks it looks punk.

The Harsh Truth

Sometimes, it's still difficult for me to admit that family doesn't always live up to the idea that I've created in my mind through reading, through real-life examples, through movies even. 

When I went to get my haircut the other day, my hairdresser asked the most natural question in the world: "Has your mom come to see your new baby yet? I bet she was just thrilled and jumped right on a plane." When I replied "No." My hairdresser just responded, "Oh" and didn't really know how to react and the conversation was dropped. I tried to alleviate the odd silence by saying "Oh, it's the third, no one cares about the third as much as the first." But, it was just a patched up response, trying its best to cover a ragged truth. And, besides, my statement just wasn't true. We've been very fortunate to have my dad and my brother and SIL come and meet little Alice and spend time with us and the kids. But, the looming question, that I get on a weekly basis from someone, whether it be the daycare director, my mother-in-law, even strangers that I meet in the street who stop to look at Alice: Has your mother come to see the new addition?

I don't really know how to explain that my mom has talked about returning to the US in April to see a play that my brother is in but hasn't once mentioned a trip over here to see our last born. E has asked her once and then I have asked her and every time is "It's just too busy around here, I don't know". On the other hand, we definitely don't want to push it. The only thing worse than not getting a visit at all is having someone visit who feels forced to subscribe to some outwardly system of rules to 'show' that they are doing a good deed, so we don't push it, even though it does hurt both of us. Then, I thought maybe I'm just odd- maybe it's a French thing for the mother to run to see the new grandchild, but then I'm reminded of an American friend whose parents are over here once every 2-3 months (she returns to the states once a year). 

I am just sorry that our kids won't get what I had growing up with the grandparents. Perhaps we wouldn't have had the same relationship had we not lived up the street from them, but given the example above of my American friend, I don't think that distance has to be a factor to not have an ongoing relationship- there's SKype, for example, which is an excellent way to have a 'daily' relationship with someone far away. We are lucky to have a somewhat close relationship to E's mom. She's always asked to have the kids during the school vacation at some point during the year, and now that Louise is potty-trained, she's going to take both of them in a couple weeks. Even though we aren't as close as we could be on a daily basis, the kids at least are spending time with her at different times during the year.

I guess we just have to accept relationships how they are. You can't force something, otherwise it would be contrived and pieced together. And, that's just something we have to deal with, whether we like it or not. I just hope with my girls, I can have a mother/daughter relationship that I never really had- open communication, honest, and close. 

Coming out of the fog

I am by no means high-maintenance. 

I get my hair cut about once every 4 months- the same cut every time because I know that it grows out nicely and that even after 4 months, it still looks decent. Then, I get it highlighted about twice a year. I used to have short hair, but it was too much maintenance (cut every month!) As for doing my hair, I don't. I take a shower and comb and that's about it. Sometimes, like right now when I don't have to go to work, I don't even bother brushing it in the morning. I know, I'm a slob.

I rarely wear makeup, even though I do like how it makes me look. I have a whole bag filled with beautiful eye shadows and lipsticks and lip plumpers- perhaps my other half just waiting to be transformed? The only time I wear makeup is usually for work or sometimes if I have time before we go out somewhere, to friends', for example. So, I'm not spending a whole lot of money on makeup. Last summer I bought a tube of Clinique lipstick for my brother's wedding- it was the first since my wedding in 2002!!! I had been using the same lipstick for 6 years!!! Shows you how much I 'put on the lips'.

My nails, let's not even talk about them. They are in a state of world catastrophe. I pick at them, I bite them, and I don't care. Really, I don't. It's never once appealed to me to care. My toes could use a little caring for, but I really don't care about pedicures and only get one about once every blue moon- again, last summer was my second pedicure ever in my whole life. 

The only esthetic thing I really care about, besides my figure, is my eyebrows. But, I'm not religious about it. I usually go in a couple times or three times a year. 

As for clothes, well, I do love clothes, but in the sense that I like to feel put together and can do that with a very minimal wardrobe. I've had the same 3 pairs of jeans for 3 years and beyond and I'm fine with that. I just update my shirts. As for shoes, I have one pair (Campers- I LOVE them!!!) that I wear all the time and will probably wear into the ground. And, a couple of dressier work shoes, but I'm not one to buy a pair of shoes for every outfit. Like with purses, I have one brown, one navy, and one black pair to go with the three main colors of my wardrobe. I do have a cute pair of sassy red shoes that I will wear when I get back to work, but it was kind of to add a little to my black wardrobe. I will buy a couple things each year to change my closet a little, but I'm not one to go blow our savings on clothes. Usually, it's a trip to the Gap during sales or a few clicks on my computer screen at my favorite online mail order shop. 

So, E definitely didn't marry a high-maintenance gal.

But, despite my lack of maintenance, the past couple months, since Alice was born, even I had reached my limits as far as non-maintenance was concerned. And, frankly, I was starting to feel like a slob. 

So, I made a hair appointment for today, got it cut and highlighted and took a trip to the Gap with the kids after school. I refrained from buying jeans until I completely get my figure back, but I did buy some cute shirts that will greatly enhance my wardrobe and I am really feeling like I'm coming out of that after-birth fog.

Oh, and the best part of the deal was a 6 euro coat I got for Alice (normally 70 euros!!!) for next winter. A pink wool pea coat, just adorable.

Appalled

Remember the whole saga last year with me almost failing my student teaching year and then almost having to do another year over (which would have been another 2 years because I would have been on maternity leave this year?) Well, most of that pain was caused by one ___________ (you fill in the blank- I am retaining myself from using some very choice words) who decided that he/she (I won't give any names or clues, but you can probably guess the gender by reading this) wanted to fail me. Then, I got a whole shebang of inspections thanks to this (you fill in the blank) despite the fact that most of my file was filled with positive feedback and it was this one (fill in the blank) who decided that my file shouldn't be all positive, because that's the French way. Anyway, that whole end of my year last year still gives me bitter feelings. This (fill in the blank) really caused my family unneeded stress just because he/she wanted to use their power.

Well, some interesting info. has been revealed to me as of late. Etienne recently got a position in this person's school. The same school where I sat one spring morning last year, humiliated, as I read and signed basically a bunch of lies, or very twisted exaggerations at best, about what went on in my class the day this (fill in the blank) came to evaluate me. I knew that this person got the shaft from the institution that trains student teachers and after many years of teaching, training, and evaluating student teachers said person was asked not to come back this year due to the many problems with student teachers, mine being one of them. Well, it was quite a surprise to E when he showed up in his new school and lo and behold said person wasn't on the teacher's roster for this year.

I was shocked as well. It is a very cushy job- nice school, nice and chic part of Paris, nice students. Getting a permanent position in this type of school is very difficult and once you get it, you stay. Unless, of course, you are forced to leave.

We are tenured and basically the only measure that can be taken that comes close to firing us is to move us as a sanction. And, that's just what happened.

Apparently, said person was making sexual comments to little 6th and 7th graders!!! And, the parents complained. Over the years. Finally, this person was forced to move to another school as a sanction. 

I'm sorry to be an annoying parent, but having two little girls myself, who will still be little girls as 6th and 7th graders, it would bother me highly to have a teacher say to one of them 'You can unbutton your shirt if you are too warm' and other such stuff. Those little girls don't know how to take those types of comments. And, by the way, two students came up to me after this person came to see my class last year and said that they were highly uncomfortable with the way this person had looked at them. And, I wasn't the only student teacher whose students said the same thing. And, these are little kids were talking about, children who are going through odd phases and discovering things about themselves where they are not fully comfortable and to have someone, an adult, a teacher, make them feel even weirder, that just appalls me. And, what appalls me even more is that this same person was sitting there telling us the whole year that we have to be careful about how we react with the students because they are young and vulnerable. 

Anyway, I am glad that the year turned out good on all fronts and that this person is maybe somewhere less tempting, as awful as that sounds. I don't want to be totally negative and critical towards him/her because we all have weaknesses and insecurities and I do feel sorry for those whose weaknesses and insecurity gets the best of them in their daily lives and professions. 

A little menu planning...

Well, from my previous post, you know what we had Monday, Tuesday, and Wed night. Last night we had leftovers from those nights (the Shepherd's pie and the peanut butter pork). Who really likes leftovers? I don't. But, I hate to throw out food and since no one is going to dig into those tupperware dishes in the fridge unless I do. Etienne will go buy baguettes and eat sausage and cheese every day rather than take the initiative to eat leftover anything. And, since I don't necessarily enjoy leftovers either, well, it's an effort to force ourselves to eat what's in the fridge, but it does save money (and time!) in the end. 

Speaking of saving time and money, I am thinking about stopping our weekly vegetable and fruit delivery. I've gotten to the point where I feel like it's preventing me from cooking what I really want to cook because I always have to plan around that. And, it seems like we're always getting the same fruit and no one in our family really enjoys kiwis all that much, so we end up not eating them. I could probably take the same amount of money I spend each week and get the same amount or more of vegetables and fruit at our local Sunday market. Also, I've been using frozen vegetables a lot- they are the same quality as fresh and our frozen foods store has an organic line. That really saves a lot of time.

So, here's our menu planning for the rest of the week:

Friday: Parmesan chicken and swiss chard. I am either going to make the swiss chard as an extra side or add it into the sauce and we'll eat the whole thing over pasta.

Saturday: Minestrone soup. I don't know what recipe I'll use for this one. Either my usual recipe or a crockpot recipe- we'll see.

Sunday: Cheese and bread dinner. I found a fabulous cheese store up the street- very reasonably priced. We are having E's cousin over for brunch on Sunday, so I'll make a trip to the cheese store to get some cheese for that and we'll just have a casual cheese and bread dinner Sunday night.

Monday: Leftover minestrone soup

Tuesday: Barbecue ribs and celeriac purée. I need to find a recipe for crockpot ribs. I tried out this new online butcher service and stocked up on tons of meat, which I then froze. 

Well, that's it for the next 5 days. We have a busy weekend planned. A birthday party tomorrow for Gab and Louise (I was going to bring Alice, but with her being sick recently, I'd rather her stay home since there will be lots of kids obviously! and it's also going to be really difficult for me to juggle all three alone). Sunday E's cousin over for brunch. Sunday night, I'm going to take the kids back to the pool. 

2 months old!

2 months old!, originally uploaded by afoos.

Again, I can't believe my baby girl is already 2 whole months old! Although, it did seem like the past month went by more slowly than her first, allowing me to savor every bit of that precious newborn time. I keep seeing older babies in strollers when Alice and I go out- a reminder that our baby days aren't going to last forever and that she's inevitably going to grow up. For some reason, I think it's true what they say and as my third and last, she'll always remain my baby.

Alice has proven, so far, to be a lightweight, or at least lighter than my other two at this age. At her 2 month appointment, she weighed in at 4.5 kilos (just shy of 10 pounds)- about a kilo less than Gab and Louise at that age. I've even noticed that she's still wearing a lot of the clothes Louise had grown out of by this time. And, the cloth diapers are just now getting to where they are fitting her without too many leaks (a couple weeks ago her legs were still too thin!)

She still has a couple of fussy times, but she's mostly become a happy baby, smiling and even giggling and cooing at us (but mostly at Gab and Louise!) As for sleep, for the past 3 nights, she's really surprised us with falling asleep within 5 minutes of swaddling, as if she finally understood what bedtime was all about. She has been taking her last bottle around 8:30 and will sleep until 3:30. We can usually count on those 7 hours. Then, I put her right back to sleep and she'll sleep another 4 and get up with us and have her bottle while the kids have their breakfast. I remember Gab and Louise just one night sleeping through the night without waking up for that 3 a.m. feeding and every night after that sleeping for 12 hours, but for some reason, I think it might be awhile for Alice. She's also smaller than the other two and that might have something to do with it.

As for me, I feel the hormonal rollercoaster settling down. I'm ready to get my body back and have officially given up the maternity jeans. I am also going to get my hair cut and highlighted tomorrow for the first time since September and am really trying to enjoy these last couple months of maternity leave even though I am starting to feel a twinge of desire to return to work. But, I do admit to being scared when that will happen. Returning to work symbolizes our ultimate move to the next phase in our lives- no more maternity leaves, raising three children as working parents, and watching our children grow up before our eyes.

No matter how much time passes, though, I think I will always look at my little Alice and remember with nostalgia how she came into the world and the peaceful and cozy pregnancy I had, we had, as a family. And now, she has made us complete.

Cooking and other stuff

I have a confession to make. I think I'll be ready to go back to work. Not that I don't enjoy having whole days to do whatever I want, but to be honest, it actually makes me even more aimless. Every day I wake up saying "I'm going to do this and this and this" and then end up lazying the whole day away. Even though I know it will take a toll on my energy levels, at least work will give me an outlet and that outlet will paradoxically help me to be more organized and motivated. So, what have I been doing with my time as of late? Not much. Housework. Cooking. Watching my kids fight. Today I do hope to tackle a knitting project that needs to be done by Alice's baptism. 

As for cooking, thought I'd share my new crock pot experience. So far, I've made peanut butter pork, sausage and veggies, and shepherd's pie. I know I'm going a little crazy with the crock pot, but I did want to practice getting it right before I jump in and leave a whole day with something cooking. The pork turned out a little overdone. I think it's because my crock pot heats faster, so the cooking time needs to be about an hour or two less than the recipe calls for. I also didn't fill the thing as much as I should have, I think. It wasn't overly ruined, but I will make some changes in the recipe for the next time. It did taste good on tortillas the next day for lunch with an avocado. The second recipe redeemed my halfway failed attempt the first night. Basically, I just threw in all the veggies I had in the fridge (leeks, carrots, white cabbage, potatoes, some weird root vegetable that I don't know the same for in English, plus some sausage). We all really liked this dish and I even had enough leftover to freeze. Finally, the last recipe had mixed reviews. I really liked it, but I didn't use fresh mashed potatoes but frozen ones. Etienne thought it ruined the recipe because they tasted like 'cafeteria food', but I thought it turned out pretty good and even had seconds, which is rare for me. Anyway, I'm really liking the crock pot. Even though some of the recipes call for just as much preparation as a meal I normally make at night, the advantage is that I can prepare when I feel like it- in the morning when I have energy, or after the kids go to bed in order to just take it out of the fridge and put it on the next morning to cook. It has been fabulous to not feel the pressure at 6 to start making dinner- when the kids come home from school, dinner is already done! So, I can just concentrate on them from after school until bedtime. I definitely see the crock pot as a great tool for the future. E wasn't even upset when he saw yet another cooking device. Tonight it's leftovers from all the previous nights!

And, that's about it from my life right now.