C'est ma vie

Precious sleep

Last night Alice did her 6 hour stretch from 8 p.m. to 2 a.m. (I can always count on that 6 hour stretch, whether it be from 12 to 6, 10 to 4 etc...) and then woke up at 6:30. After her bottle, I tried to fall back asleep, but the two older kids woke up. This time, however, E took care of them and I went back to sleep until 10!!! What a difference that made. AND, I took some suggestions from some friends and swaddled Alice last night and she went to sleep only after a slight struggle (15 min., which is a BIG improvement over the 2 hours the night before) the first time at 8 and right away after her feeding at 2. I had seen the swaddling blanket trend in the US when Louise was born and thought that it was just another market to rip parents off- just another baby gadget that you HAVE to have. However, after seeing how well Alice adapted to swaddling in a receiving blanket (and the only blankets I have don't really swaddle well- they are almost too small for her), I caved in and ordered a Miracle Blanket from the UK. It should get here next week. I just think she needs to feel secure at night and hopefully, this will help her. 

So, today, I might be able to concentrate on 'other' things. Maybe get some knitting in. Maybe read. Yes, I 'could' study, but my jury is still out as to whether I will attempt the test in April. I'm simply not motivated. Period. 

I am very thankful that for a third child, we get a much longer maternity leave. Otherwise, I'd be going back to work here in a month and half, and I don't think I would be ready for that.

The Potty saga continues

Well, Louise's little potty training stint a couple weeks ago didn't last long, mainly because she went back to the daycare and they don't really have the time to work individually with her when they have 20 other kids to take care of. I planned to take her out of the daycare this week to spend some time with my dad and to work on potty training. The training started last night when I got out her potty and put on her panties. I'm sitting here on my computer when all of the sudden I see her take down her panties and sit on the potty and go. She continued like this the whole evening. Today, she's done much of the same, but she did have one accident, which is fine. 

I'm thinking if we continue like this, we can attempt to 'go out' in big girl panties, but I'm a little skeptical about her using a big toilet if need be. Also, she's been using a little potty and getting stars every time she goes in order to decorate the potty (I NEVER thought I would reward my children for peeing, but hey, it was the only thing that worked)- I am hoping the transition to wearing clothes over her panties and telling us she needs to pee will go with a problem. Any advice about this? 

I also would like for her to go to the daycare on Monday with confidence that she can ask her caregivers to use the potty. For her sake, I don't think it's very good to go back to diapers (except for naps and night time) when she will have spent this week in big girl pants. I am crossing my fingers that our girl is on her way to being potty trained.

Pressure, Pressure

Things are starting to become difficult again. 

Alice had a couple of good nights and then last night, bang, she decided to not go to sleep until 3 a.m. She had been up since 5 that evening, I fed her at 8:30 and then forced myself to stay up until midnight to get in one last feeding before she did her 6 hour stretch. I thought, surely, the girl is going to go to sleep after her midnight feeding- she had been up for so long. Alice has struggled since the day she was born with going to sleep at night, even if she's up a lot during the day. I'll get her to sleep and then 30 min. later she'll wake up again. Last night, around midnight, I just let her cry a little bit and 10 min. later she fell asleep only to wake up 30 min. later screaming. She's not a crier (in fact, last night was the first time I saw her cry and not be calmed easily), so I knew she must be having digestive problems. In fact, I felt the gas in her little stomach and tried the Baby Bjorn, rocking her, putting her in the car seat and the car seat calmed her down but didn't put her to sleep. This went on until 3 when it was time for her next feeding and luckily, after that, she crashed until 8:15 this morning. 

This is my first child to have such a difficult time getting to sleep at night. I am caught between doing what it takes to get her to sleep- meaning putting her with us if we have to- or just letting her cry so that she'll get used to soothing herself to sleep. I'm afraid if we get her used to a routine where we have to use something exterior to her (rocking, Baby bjorn, car seat etc...), she will never learn to go to sleep on her own. Night time is dreaded by me because I know it will be a struggle- she sleeps so soundly during the day when she does sleep and then night comes and it's like she's fighting invisible ghosts.

Also, maybe someone can help me on this, but I'm not really sure what you define as colic. She definitely has gas but mostly doesn't complain about it or usually is calmed down by us picking her up. Last night was the first time I saw her cry and not be calmed down by any method, but even then, she only really cried for 30 min. I heard that real colic is when they cry for hours on end. Isn't it normal for babies to have at least some gas or should I think about switching her formula? Again, during the day she's fine and sleeps wherever we put her, so my thought is that if she really had real tummy troubles, she'd be in pain a lot more often and not just for an hour or so at night. Maybe the night just brings anxiety and she has a difficult time going to sleep?

You'd think I was a first time mom here, but Gab and Louise were so different- they'd eat and then go right back to sleep. They, too, had their evening bouts of anxiety, but it would only last an hour and then they'd be fine. It never affected their ability to fall asleep at night. I also get confused with anxiety and gas- are the two linked? 

On top of all this, there's a little tension between E and I. He seems to think I've become OC with cleaning the house and managing the place, so much that it inhibits me from doing other things and that this has become my identity. I am incessantly doing laundry- at least a load a day. I try (doesn't always happen), but I try to keep the apartment clean at least during the week because mentally, I can't do anything when the place is a pit. Because I'm really the only one cleaning the apartment, of course it takes more time because I'm cleaning up after 4 other people. E thinks I should just leave the apartment as it is, let it get dirty, that a clean house isn't the most important thing in life, but somehow, I just can't bring myself to do that. I mean, there's a certain tolerance on my part, but if I don't do anything for 2 weeks, I feel like we're living in filth and I'd much rather have a routine of doing a little here and there each day to keep it clean. Everyone says hire someone, but it's just not our style and E is fairly set against that even though I think it would be nice to at least give some of the housework to someone else, even if I still do half of it. And, then there's the never ending tension of E not really understanding how much I do around the house while he sits and plays his computer game the whole day long. I don't mind at all, but what frustrates me is the fact that he thinks that I do way too much and that I am just 'doing' things to occupy my time but that I don't really need to do them. 

All of this to say that today, he asked me where I stood on the PhD test in April. In the back of my mind, I had given up. I'm not motivated, what can I say. To sit for 4 days writing for 6 to 7 hours a day when I haven't even written an essay in 2 years- well, cleaning the toilets appeals to me more. In fact, I would much, much rather do research for a PhD dissertation because I could do it on my own terms on a subject that pleases me rather than for some insipid exam where only 10 percent of those who take it pass. His argument is that by giving up, I am not only giving up 400 euros more per month but that I am also giving in to the idea that I am always going to remain a junior high ESL teacher for the rest of my life.  I don't necessarily agree with that- I do think as an American, there are other possibilities for me if I do pursue a doctorate. The normal 'path' would be for me to pass the exam, but I do think I could maybe squeeze in without doing the exam and that there are other ways for me to earn more money per month than doing something I'm not motivated for. 

And, what really upsets me in all of this is that he has been enrolled for 2 years now in the Phd program and he hasn't lifted a finger to do a hint of research. And, he has barely worked this year. I have 3 kids and a household to take care of and I am expected to be in the books all day long after getting 4 to 5 hours of sleep at night. Yes, I give you the green light to make a comment on that and am comforted by the fact that his mother feels my pain, as Etienne's dad was the exact same. 

I really hate this 'intellectual' tension between us and I definitely at times feel like Lynette in DH where I'm trapped in a life where my potential is not fully exploited. Obviously, if I didn't have the kids, I would be much more available mentally to study for a test- there wouldn't be so much laundry, dishes, toys to put away, we would live in a smaller place that would require much less upkeep, dinners wouldn't have to be as habitual, I would be rested. On the other hand, I wouldn't change my life in a minute and love being a mother and think that it gives me other insights into myself that I wouldn't have gotten otherwise. My kids have taught me many lessons about life. I also think that loving my 3 kids is way more important than some silly exam. After all, I could die tomorrow and in my mind, getting stressed out over an exam isn't worth it. There is so much more to life- I just wish my husband could see that. Sure, we could use the extra money and the extra 'title' I would get with this exam would be nice, but it's not what life is about.

It's not a question of time or fatigue, it's also a question of motivation. As I write this post, I could be studying, but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm wondering if I ever will... When I do have free time, I'd much rather be doing other things than studying.

So, between Alice not sleeping and pressure from E to be something that I'm clearly not right now (and was 10 years ago), I'm feeling a little torn.

Bows

Bows, originally uploaded by afoos.

I totally didn't think I would ever put bows like this on either of my daughters, but when my favorite cloth diaper shop included a set of two bows as a gift in one of my orders, well, I couldn't resist. And, I guess she looks pretty cute.

One Month

One Month, originally uploaded by afoos.

I can't believe how fast this month has gone by! Alice isn't officially one month until the 26th, but in weeks, she was one month old yesterday.

We've already noticed a huge difference in her features and she's looking more and more like a little baby rather than a newborn. She continues to be very calm, besides the little digestive problems here and there that are resolved by going in the Baby Bjorn and being close to me. She has surprised us the past couple nights by sleeping one stretch of 6 hours- from midnight to 6 a.m and then last night from 9 p.m to 3 a.m., which has really helped me a lot, even though last night it took her an hour to go back to sleep at 3 a.m. She's drinking her bottles much better- still dribbles a little- but can finish them within 20 min. rather than eat in smaller portions here and there.

If I had anything to say about the past month, it would be transition. Lack of sleep plus managing the house and two other young kids proved to be a trial at times, but I think we're getting there. The first two weeks I really felt like superwoman and on top of things, but that caught up with me the last two weeks and I caved. Thankfully, we're getting back on track. They always say that first month is the most difficult.

I can't believe she's growing up before our eyes! Next photo will be in a month, but it will probably go by just as fast as the first.

Guest Room

Forgot to add in my last post that the new guest room is working out great! We are so glad to have made that and that people who come and visit have a nice place to retreat to so that they are not in the middle of a family ambiance all the time. AND, the kids haven't been a circus in the morning and Alice's night wakings are very discreet. Well, she doesn't really cry, so that helps not to wake up those in the next room, but we have enough space for us all to live under the same roof but at the same time have places to retreat. Even if we're up in the night, our guests aren't.We couldn't be more pleased with our idea of making a guest room.

No time to post...

Just a quick update. My dad is visiting and we've been non-stop and out of town over the weekend.

I think last Thursday I had reached my limit with the staying up the whole night. Of course I hadn't really been staying up the whole night every night, but for the first 3 weeks of Alice's life, she had such a hard time sleeping at night and going back to sleep after feedings. Many times I would be up 2 hours with her in the middle of the night and a lot of those times I had to put her with me in the bed to get her to sleep.  Not only had Alice been getting me up, but at night, she was waking up every 2 to 3 hours, whereas during the day, it was 4 hours between feedings. I dreamed of having 4 to 5 hours of straight, uninterrupted sleep. On Thursday, the day my dad arrived, I had woken up with a cold, probably from sleep-deprivation, and I was a walking zombie. As the day progressed, I became more and more zombie-like. When E got home from work, of course he had a difficult time understanding why I was so 'out of it', but it got to the point where I just couldn't function anymore. This was a cause of some tension between E and I that evening because of course he was completely oblivious to my fatigue and he cannot stand when people are sick or tired and can't use mind over matter (of course when he's sick, he expects everyone to tend to him- such a typical guy). That night, Alice was sleeping with us in the room and at midnight, like clockwork, the party began. I was up from midnight to 2 and finally decided to come to the living room so that we wouldn't wake anyone else. By that time, E woke up as well and came to the living room. The tension was still thick and I was still tired and E was remembering how un-nice I was before going to bed, so he said "Fine, I will take Alice tonight, you go sleep on the couch so that you can get a good night's sleep and you'll see, I'll get more sleep than you think you get" I might add that the reason there was also a lot of tension is because E was working the past week from 9 to 4 the whole day teaching and he also had inspectors and ministers come to his classes, which put a certain stress in the air. BUT I might add, he had only been getting 3 hours of sleep at night because he is hooked on a computer game. So, when he came home on Thursday, he was wiped out. I was a little peeved because it was his choice to get so little sleep but I have had no choice over the past 3 weeks- Alice isn't a computer game. Anyway, looking back on last Thursday, it was really silly and we were sleep-deprived, which is always a cause for tension. So, I took him up on the offer and went to sleep with Louise. I got 5 full hours of sleep, but when Etienne came out of the room the next morning, he looked frazzled and said "Okay, I believe you, that girl doesn't sleep." The only way he could get her to sleep was to put her in the bed with him. I was not very optimistic about our trip this past weekend- I was afraid of staying at E's uncle's and Alice keeping everyone up the whole night, I was afraid of the mood I would be in, and to be honest, I was not looking forward to all the bottles and diapers changes on the road.

Friday we just did some shopping at Galeries Lafayette while E watched Alice (the two older kids were at daycare and school). And, then I came home and did some packing. That night we went to E's cousin's for dinner and the next morning we left on our road trip.

First stop, Champagne. We have our Champagne producer we've been going to for years, since our wedding. He gave us a tour of the place, let us try some champagne and then we bought a bunch of cases since we have Alice's baptism coming up. Then, we drove to Verdun and took a tour of the trenches and battlegrounds- quite impressive and really makes you see the futility of war. We ended our day at E's aunt and uncle's and the whole family was there, cousins and all. She made a special sauerkraut dish from the region and we all had a lovely time. I might add, Gab and Louise were perfect angels as was Alice.

Saturday night, in fear that Alice would party the whole night (since she slept the whole day in the car), I did something I probably shouldn't have done- I put her in her carseat on the floor next to me that night to sleep, thinking she might sleep better in a more "cocooned" place. Sure enough, she slept from 11 until 4:30 and then again until 8:30. I woke up the next day feeling very refreshed and Gab and Louise slept until 8:30 as well. E's aunt offered to watch Gab and Louise while we had a lovely lunch in Nancy with Alice and did a little driving around. Then, we went back to get the kids and went to some of E's childhood friends' parents for tea. We ended up staying a few hours, headed to the famous square in Nancy for a quick walk before sunset and then headed back to Paris.

Last night, to celebrate her one month birthday, Alice slept from midnight until 6 this morning- yay!!!!! She's still sleeping now, at 9, after her morning bottle. I think on the sleep aspect, we're starting to get somewhere and I feel so much better and refreshed. 

The trip was a lot of fun, but it is quite the scene getting the three kids in and out of the car, changing diapers, making bottles. I think it takes about 5 min. every time we want to get in or out of the car. By the end of the trip, we got it down to 3 min. That was, I think, the only real tiring aspect of the trip- the logistics of getting the kids in and out of the car and putting on coats, getting out the stroller, etc... 

Sorry this is really fast and badly written, but I don't have much time but wanted to get in an update.

A Big Thank You to a blogger!

It's night, I'm tired, and it's the witching hour- a very ugly person you do not want to meet has taken over my body and systematically, at this time, lashes out at her husband (even though I think that she might have reason to, at least partly).

I had a terrible night last night. Alice woke up at 1, then, for about an hour I would fall asleep and then she would cry, I would fall asleep again, cry, sleep, cry- until I finally put her next to me in the bed and she fell asleep until 4. At 4:30 she went back to sleep then at 5 Gab and Louise are screaming at the tops of their lungs in their rooms. By 7, everyone was up. Etienne is STILL convinced that I get 12 hours of sleep every night. Let's not even go there because if we do, the person who has taken over my body this evening will say things that she will regret tomorrow.

Today, cleaning central. At least the apartment is more or less spotless. Oh, and I also finished the curtains for the guest room because my dad is coming tomorrow. And, did about a million other things that caused me not to sit down once. Result: person inhabiting my body tonight is even meaner than she usually is. Warning: She bites in verbally scathing sentences.

Sleep would be good. Sleep would be glorious. Even 6 hours of uninterrupted ZZZs. Oh, and a little more understanding on the part of my husband would be good too. I am hoping my dad understands my lack of motivation to run around Paris while he's here. The very thought makes me want to sleep even more. Now, I am hitting myself on the head for not "sleeping when the baby sleeps". 

At least we are going to be gone this weekend- all the work I did on the apartment has a slight chance of not being destroyed by two little culprits.

But, in all this sleep-deprivation I did want to say a big THANK YOU to Annee, a fellow reader, who made my day with her lovely package of books for Gab and Louise and bibs for Alice. I swear people read my mind: the one thing I told Etienne we needed was bibs. After two kids, the others are becoming rags. And, we've gotten many cute new girly bibs for Alice, just what I've needed. Anyway, thank you so much Annee, you are lovely and I was so touched by your thoughtfulness!

Oh, and those who wrote about the oven, I promise I will get back to you. My dad is coming tomorrow and we will be gone this weekend, but I will try and find a few moments to get you more info.

Where did all the energy go?

This will be my last post on managing the house, I promise, but it seems that it's the only thing I can focus on right now because it is far from being managed! 

For the past 3 weeks, I've caught myself stopping to wonder: Why in the world am I SO behind on things now whereas before Alice was born, I was so on top of things? I mean, let's be honest- Alice sleeps pretty much the whole day, so besides feeding her, she doesn't take a big chunk out of my day. The kids are at school and daycare during the week, just like before Alice was born, so I have been wondering how the conditions at home have changed so much that I've gotten so behind. Finally, I decided to analyze the problem yesterday and came up with this conclusion:

The pregnancy hormones that gave me the nesting instinct are no longer there, so that must have something to do with my lack of motivation to get things done. I am also running on empty pretty much from the afternoon onwards. Actually, I turn into a very unpleasant person around 7 or 8 (sorry family). Also, I just realized yesterday, after looking up on the internet when I could start exercising again, that once you give birth, you might be surprised that you can't even swim a whole lap without getting burned out and that you have to build your body up again. You would have thought that I knew that from 2 previous pregnancies, but the difference this time is that physically, I haven't really felt tired until I really start 'doing' things. With the other two, I just felt worn out from the day I came home. Yesterday, I fully cleaned the kids room and our room and that wiped me out for the whole afternoon. It's frustrating. I hate feeling like you spend the whole day doing things and then at the end of the day nothing is done, or the pile is still just as big. Oh well, I know when Alice starts sleeping at night here in a couple months, things will go a lot better.

On the potty training front, it was a catastrophe at the daycare yesterday! She would never ask to go and then ended up having accidents. But, when Louise came home, we put underwear on her and she asked several times to go pee in the potty and did it with no accidents the whole evening. I'll just have to work with her next week when she's home.

3 weeks old!

3 weeks old!, originally uploaded by afoos.

Look at me, I'm 3 weeks old!

This is how I stay most of the day- at night I have a little harder time getting to sleep because I sleep so much during the day, but I am still a very good baby so far.

My mommy is trying to find a solution for my eating habits. I don't spit up after feeds, but I spit out during feeds! Milk literally dribbles all down my chin while I eat. Mommy has tried everything- different positions, different bottles and nothing seems to work. The only thing to do is use a bib plus a cloth diaper so that I don't soak all of my clothes!!! This is driving mommy crazy because she doesn't really know how much I eat- half of it ends up on me!

Today I am making my weekly trip to the health center up the street to be weighed. Mommy thinks I am growing quite well, but I can still wear my birth sized clothes (my big sister Louise wore the outfit I'm wearing in the pic to come home from the hospital and I can still wear it at 3 weeks- I probably weigh now what she weighed at birth).