On birthdays and friendship

The last real birthday celebration I had was when I turned 22. A bunch of friends and I went to an Indian restaurant in Norman and then headed to our local bar hangout. I remember it had just snowed and there was ice everywhere...I was getting ready to leave for France for 3 weeks and it was my last time to hangout with them before the holidays. I did organize a party a couple years ago, but it felt put together at the last minute and forced.

Growing up, my birthday was always special. The 23rd of December meant the beginning of the Christmas festivities for me: my birthday, Christmas Eve and then Christmas Day. My family always made a big deal out of it and we always got to choose our meal, either restaurant or a homemade meal (one year I wanted potato pancakes because my birthday fell around Hannukah), and there was always the cake of our choice. But, over the years, I've begun to notice that as we age, birthdays are what we make of them, not more, not less. I was disappointed last year that for my 30th, it turned out to be one of the worst ever. I was expecting the party to come to me, but again, if I wanted it, I had to organize it. So, E and I ended up going to an Lebanese restaurant up the street at the last minute. Not the way I had envisioned spending my 30th (I was more hoping for Sex and the City type bash with friends, a great restaurant etc...) But, alas, no friends, a last-minute restaurant and not even a cake.

For Etienne, his birthday has become a tradition. Every year, he organizes a little get-together with his friends and I make a cake and give him the birthday meal of his choice. One of the nice things about his parties is that everyone knows each other, we're all comfortable and there is a sense of stability- most of his friends he's known since elementary school and now, they're all in Paris.

E has tried to get me to plan a party for myself this year, but I just can't bring myself to do it. When I look at who I would invite, the list isn't very long, and most of the list contains those who were at his party because in a way, the only stability I've had with friends my 8 years in Paris is his own friends. I've a few colleagues from last year who have become friends who would definitely be invites, but as far as any other friends, well, the sad truth is that they are very few and far between and when I say that, I do mean far between. I have many close friends in the US who would come, but spending 700 dollars for an evening is a little too much! Then, there are those with whom I am in half contact who live in the vicinity but with whom I am not emotionally close enough to invite to a birthday party. Then, there are those who have come and gone from my life all together while living in Paris, for reasons beyond my understanding and maybe beyond explanation as well. E told me that I should use the party as a 'reconnecting' party and invite some of those I haven't talked to in years and I told him that it would lead to a rather awkward situation and that the reason we don't really keep in touch on a daily basis is because I annoy them, so inviting them to a party won't change anything. He agreed that it was a good point. I have to say that I do miss the sense of community I felt I had in the US, even though I find out now it was superficial in its own right (as I hardly remain in contact with anyone from my college days), at least when you are there and in it, you have a sense of belonging. On a daily basis, I have a complete sense of belonging to my family and to my adopted country, but then when it comes down to planning your own birthday party, well, there are areas where the sense of belonging is lacking. I'm generally not someone who identifies with a group or who needs a group to belong, but I do admit that there are times when a constant group of friends would be nice.

But, enough of the pity party. My kids, husband, and I are going to celebrate in our own way- I already promised them we'd go to a restaurant or order pizza and of course, there will be cake. And, really, what more belonging can I ask for besides that of my family...

Comments

[misschris]

I used to throw the biggest, funnest Christmas cocktail parties in the States and wow I do miss that. I was known for my fun parties!

If I had your close-to-Christmas birthday I'd use that as an excuse to throw a combination birthday-Christmas cocktail party. I'd make it a tradition and do it every year! When I had my parties I use to purposely invite people who weren't supposed to mix...the ex boyfriend of a guest, the crazy neighbor and the person I hadn't seen in years. It amazed me that every person accepted, came and had a great time. I wish I had that bold attitude about inviting people here in France. I don't and I probably should.

Anyway why not have a Christmas-birthday apéro? That would be informal and maybe allow you to reconnect with these old friends. Maybe they're just waiting for you to make the first move :)