C'est ma vie

What to do now...

In moments like this, I so wish I could have gotten that job in the American section of the international school that vaguely showed an interest last year. I would be teaching American literature, I would have fit in with the department and the school.

My job, my career, my profession is teaching. My heart is in teaching. I have been teaching for 8 years now. Not always in secondary school, but 8 years of experience gives you a certain confidence in front of a class, no matter what age you teach. So why is it in one country, can I succeed as a teacher and in another country, the country in which I have chosen to lead my life, I fail so badly? Once you are a teacher, aren't you always a teacher? Why has this year fettered me so much in a career I chose long ago?

My students were completely on their best behavior this morning. Not a peep from their mouths. The flip side of their angelic gestures was an almost total lack of participation on their part. I think they were just as intimidated by the inspector as I was. From the beginning, I was nervous. One of the students who has a slight disability and who is exempt from English class tried to come this morning and I had to refuse her (she's not even on my list of students but if her special ed teacher is absent, I sometimes let her come to my class). I could tell the inspector didn't have a great impression from the beginning. The activities I had planned just didn't evoke the reactions I was looking for from the students. I think my own anxiousness caused me to slightly fall apart during class and forget the important steps needed to complete the activities in the correct fashion with the right answers and participation. I didn't think the actual class was great, but I also didn't think it was a failure. Up to this point, my actual teaching hadn't been put into question, it was more my authority that had been put into question in previous classes. In my class today, there was no problem with authority (which was one of the reasons the inspector came, to verify the person's opinion who came a month ago). So, I thought even if there were slight problems with my teaching or my activities, she would still pass me since the students were silent.

We had the interview in the principal's office. My personality is such that if someone doesn't put me at ease, I crumble. The inspector certainly didn't put me at ease. She began by asking me my rank on the teaching certification test (which I feel is a certain way of discriminating because I got a horrible, horrible ranking) My answer was that I forgot. I stumbled on my French, she asked me to justify an exercise in a student's notebook labelled 'classroom punishment' (sometimes, if the students are particularly rowdy I stop the class and have them write the lesson in their notebook a couple times, not only does this calm them down but it also gets the lesson into their brains, the fact that they labeled this exercise 'punishment' does not help me plead my case!) She also asked me to justify a few other things and by this point, I was starting to feel like I had failed miserably.

Her basic analysis consisted in telling me that my method, the method that I am supposed to have acquired this year is too immature and not rigorous enough for her to let me go into full time teaching. In her opinion, another year as a student teacher would do me good (meaning I would not be certified yet but have to go through another year of this crap and if the second year fails, I'm fired for good). I tried to plead my case, telling her that I feel fully ready next year to take on my teaching responsibility full time and that today, she didn't see a good example. She replied by saying that it's very likely that I'll have yet another inspection by someone else in a couple weeks, as a last resort.

I might mention right here that nowhere, never once this year has anyone told me that I had a problem with my method. This is the first I've heard of it. I knew my class wasn't explodingly awesome and that I deserved a gold medal, but I didn't think it was such an utter catastrophe that I somehow convinced the inspector that I was a 20 something, immature student who needed more training rather than a 30 something mother of two children who has already been on the job for 8 years. I looked dumb and sounded dumb. I was a nervous wreck.

I feel broken right now. Several restless nights. A wreck of an apartment. 10 pages I need to write by Monday. Final versions of these papers due May 27. An oral defense of these papers June 4. Another impending inspection which, by this point, I just feel my anxiety that has accumulated over the last month and the students' own inability to sit through another person coming into the class, will just prove to the inspectors that they are right. The conditions in which I am being judged are probably the least conducive I can think of to showing the best sides of my teaching. Etienne and I are planning on writing letters to fight, which take up time. My kids have been secondary because my mind has been elsewhere. I hate to admit that sometimes, I'd like to have a remote control to turn them off, to just take a break so that I can focus and concentrate and not have to get up at 5 am with Gab and be able to work on the weekends and in the evenings on my inspections, on my papers. When did becoming a teacher become so difficult?

Today Etienne and I started to think about other possibilities for my future but didn't come up with anything.

I'm a teacher. That's my job. It has been for 8 years. What else am I supposed to do?

Let's look on the bright side

I'm trying to get rid of the butterflies that keep flittering in my stomach by any means possible. In the middle of the night, after falling asleep soundly, I woke up with a start with visions of my class and the activities I'd like to do in my head. Got the teacher who was assigned to me this year on the phone last night and she reassured me, helped me look more on the bright side of things.

There are several mediocre student teachers who just barely pass, who are getting by on a thread and I have a hard time understanding why they aren't being inspected. This teacher told me to look at the inspection in another light. Inspectors are busy people and don't have the time to go see just anyone in class. The director of the English department said that she's heard about the creative things I do in class. Since the inspector loves creativity and new pedagogy, maybe she's coming to check it out. Maybe she's coming to see how an American can contribute to the school system in France. Maybe there's a project the inspector is working on for which she needs a native speaker? Maybe the inspector has heard how I've been completely shaken up by all of the negativity and wants to reassure me in my career, so she's coming to help me? Anyway, there are other ways to look at this besides "she's coming to inspect me because I'm failing". It's like a job interview of sorts.

I'm trying not to worry about the class in which I'll be inspected. My other class, which has been a very difficult one, had 15 visits this year! 2 evaluations and 13 other visits by outsiders. In my 7th grade class I've never been visited. We're all human, me not being excluded from that, and because I've never had any type of feedback on my 7th grade class, I haven't been doing as many creative activities and I would go so far as to say that I haven't been putting as much work into this class. On the other hand, even though it can be a very chatty class, they have a much better level in English than my 6th grade class and there aren't any huge behavior problems, like in my 6th grade class where the students react to each other all the time: "He's bothering me, he just flipped me off, he did this, she did that" (All the time). My 7th grade class has a huge talking problem and some of them are just plain lazy and don't participate but all together, it's a better class. I warned them yesterday that they had better behave on Friday. Yesterday, it was hot, they just got back from a long weekend, it was the afternoon when no one wants to work, so I'm chalking their out of control talking up to those conditions. Hopefully, come Friday morning at 8, they'll be less chatty. The first class of the day is generally more conducive to working than the rest.

Anyway, gotta go prepare this kick butt lesson!

You just don't want to mess with me right now

I'm in a very pissy mood. After the director of the freaking university that certifies me at the end of the year told me that I wouldn't be inspected, that I had nothing to worry about and even went as far as to tell the teacher who has been working with me the whole year that I was off the hook because my other positive reports will compensate and that they are aware of the problems with the person who come to evaluate me. Well, I came to work with a nice surprise this morning: "You will be inspected Friday, May 16 at 8 am, Happy inspection!" 3 days notice. 3 DAYS! All of our other evaluations we know months in advance so that we could prepare our classes, our lesson plans. Now, I am forced to change everything around and just hope and pray the students are on their best behavior, which is not a given because May and June are single handedly the WORST times for an inspection- the students only want one thing, to be out of school.

All of this for one man's caviling. The objections to me passing are trivial, silly, stupid. In January there was a list of 10 student teachers who were in grave danger. I was not on this list and far from it. All of the sudden, if I don't pass this inspection, I have to re-do my whole student teaching year. Can we say unfair? Someone wants me to fail, or at least wants to make it very difficult for me to pass.

Forgive me for the rambling, but I'm just a little tired of red tape. I've already been through red tape enough trying to pass the damn teaching test and now, well, let's just go through some more red tape because I'm not considered a good teacher in France. How can you be a good teacher in one country and then come to another country and have people tell you that you were not made for this profession?

But, I'm not giving up. Please wish me luck for Friday. In 3 days notice and having to do something other than the Unit test I had planned, plus students who are a little on the wild side after all this vacation we've had (just back from a 5 day weekend), I am going to try and pull something together.

And, in the end if I have to do another year over again, well, at least one of my children isn't sick with a terminal illness or my husband with health problems and at least I still have my family around. You always have to think in those terms when life throws you minor curve balls like a teaching inspection. Sometimes, I think less dramatic things like these put off the more dramatic ones. At least for awhile.

What Would Jesus Buy?

Just watched the movie What Would Jesus Buy and it hit me, yet again, with the challenge that I know I face at least once a month- shopping. And, it also reminded me of the burden Etienne and I face when we go back to the US of trying not to spend. It's like we literally step off the plane and there's this huge magnetic force drawing us into consumerism. We come back bloated with "stuff", as if it's a race to buy more. I remember those last hours before the flight, making a last minute run to Target as if I just won the Toys R Us 10 min. run through and I'm running with the cart pulling things off of shelves, things we don't even need.

In France, like every other Western country, consumerism has inevitably made an appearance. However, I would say that consumerism in France plays more of a supporting role rather than the lead. If you don't feel the need to consume or to fall subject to a cookie-cutter type of lifestyle, it's perfectly acceptable to society. There isn't this notion of strip malls with the typical stores like Old Navy, Target, Barnes and Noble, Starbucks etc..,etc... Or, if there are, it certainly isn't one of the main activities of the French people. On the weekends, you'll find most out tending to their gardens, taking walks with families, or spending time at home; they don't just think to jump in the car and run to a store unless they really need something.

This is why we have such a difficult time when we come to the US, one of the main activities is consuming, buying, spending. Why are we so attracted to Target, to Starbucks, to Old Navy? Because everyone does it. There's a gravitating movement towards this consumerist culture that is hard not to be sucked into.

Etienne has a cousin who we call American. They just built a brand new house. Their daughter has the perfect princess bedroom with all of her dolls, jewelry, dress up stuff in perfect order. When we were over there one night, they didn't have a dessert, so they jumped in the car to the nearest bakery. The drinks in their fridge were in little cans and bottles and not one thing in their house was dated pre-Ikea. This type of lifestyle is accepted in France, but it's not part of the mainstream society, it's not something that one strives for (at least not yet, anyway). But, I can understand why one strives for it. It's comforting to be in a clean, new house, to have the luxury of saying 'Oh, this is ugly, I'll just throw it out and get a new one' And, every time I'm in a house like E's cousin, I want to come home and make my own place look more modern and clean. Consumerism has a strong pull.

We have tried to instill in our children that toys are way less important than doing something for someone else or reading or using their imaginations to come up with an activity. There's no TV in our house because I don't want them watching all the toy commercials and being sucked in. And, honestly, all the cartoons these days are Crap with a capital C. What happened to Charlie Brown, the Smurfs and Woody the Woodpecker? We already have a one present rule at Christmas and on birthdays- they get one present from us, that's it. And, something we started with Gab last year was making gifts for people. In fact, I, myself, am probably going to stick to the handmade route for the majority of gifts. I know a lot of people don't appreciate that, but I don't appreciate fighting the crowds and supporting this new religion of shopping by going to megastores.

This isn't to say that we won't spend and that we don't spend and that I hate all shopping and shoppers. I would just like this world to think about things a little more rather than mindlessly standing in line with the credit card in hand. Try to find an alternative. Try to understand why you are standing in line. Try to find a smaller, independent store. A couple years ago, E and I happened upon a gem of a used bookstore in the artsy part of Houston and we are definitely going back. I got a Sandra Boynton book for Gab for under a dollar and the money went to support an individual's business rather than a huge corporation. Look for stuff on ebay, in garage sales. If you like shopping, you can still shop, but change your tactics. I've redirected my shopping to street sales and it has curbed my need for the kids to look cute (of course, this doesn't justify the mary jane crocs I just ordered for Louise along with some summer sandals that I probably could have gotten off of ebay, but hey, like I said, consumerism is a hungry lion that I literally feel wants to eat at you every single waking moment).

Anyway, that's my speech. I think Reverend Billy has something to say and he's preaching to the converted here, but hopefully, someone who really needs to listen will open their ears. And hopefully we'll be able to get through our trip to the US this summer as more aware consumers.

The Great Renovation Project?

You've heard us say it. Our families and friends have heard us say it. Yes, it's indeed true, we not only plan on staying in our 1000 sq. foot apt. (91 m2) but we also plan on eventually raising three kids in said space.

To the French, and especially to Parisians, the square footage/family member ratio doesn't seem odd. Just look at how many Ikeas are found around Paris (6) and you'll understand that there is a great need for solutions to small space living. In fact, we know of several families who live, with 3 and even 4 children, in a lot smaller spaces than our apartment. To some Americans, it may seem kind of far-fetched to try and stretch the space of an apartment the size of ours to match the needs of a normal family (except for New York or other big cities perhaps) but to each his own. Ecologically speaking, we should all be living on top of each other anyway. Do we really need 5 rooms to one person?

Many have suggested we move to a smaller big city in France, one in which we could afford more space and even buy a townhouse or small house. But, the more we think about it the more we realize just can't pick up an move- for now, our lives are in Paris.

So, that brings us to our apartment. Our lovely apartment. We were very fortunate to come across our apartment before Louise was born. My old job gave me the right to have a sort of rent-controlled apartment in a neighborhood in which we could never afford to live. Come to think of it, we can never buy in Paris again, the prices have gone up by so much. Our only criteria for an apartment was to have 3 bedrooms. Well, our apartment has 2 bedrooms. Actually, it officially has 3 but the woman who lived there before took out a wall in one of the bedrooms to make the living room bigger. So, instead of an extra bedroom we have a dining room.

Our apartment has a lot of options, if we want to spend money. We've talked a lot about how we are going to reorganize when the need comes and of course there's always the dilemma of do you do work in an apartment you rent?

Normally, we would never throw money away like that. However, after talking to so many people in our building who have been there, raised kids there and stayed after 35 years, more and more we are realizing that our destiny is being written for us too: if we want to stay in Paris, we will be in our apartment for the long-haul.We have a long-term goal to  buy a country home, a place where we can  go on the weekends and on holiday but we will never buy in Paris and for now, we aren't interested in buying our principal place of residence in another city.

So, recently we've started talking again about what we could do to create another bedroom in our apartment that wouldn't eliminate too much space.And, we have a project in mind (one that I'm so anxious to start!): our kitchen is the size of a bedroom, a fairly good size for Paris, and it is on the same side as the bedrooms in the apartment. Why not make an open kitchen in the dining room part of the apartment and combine the dining room/kitchen/living room and have one big, open room? The, our current kitchen would become a bedroom.

We looked at what we could do with this idea, of course it would demand a certain amount of money, but there is a possibility of doing this without too much work. There's a way to bring a water pipe through the wall to hook up the sink, etc.. because the bathroom is just behind the dining room. There are also many things we can do ourselves and E's cousin specializes in kitchens so he could help us set the whole thing up for a fourth of the price it would cost for a professional to do it.

Anyway, right now it's just an idea, but we would like to materialize this idea in the near future. Will let you know when we take the first step!

Being connected

What a long and fulfilling day. I haven't had a day with this much activity for awhile. Where to begin?

We've been spoiled with Louise this week because she wakes up between 8 and 8:30, which feels like sleeping in for me (compared to the 6 or 6:30 we usually get up with Gab). And, since I'm so used to getting up much earlier, a couple mornings I've gotten up before Louise to get a nice, slow start to the morning rather than be shaken from dreams, crawling out of bed half asleep and forced into the day before even waking up. How to not have me be in a bad mood the rest of the day (or at least for a couple hours in the morning), let me wake up at a decent pace.

Louise and I went to the balcony to work on the plants and then on a whim I decided to randomly plant some parsnips, radishes, arugula, and baby carrots from seeds I had gotten ages ago. Don't know if they'll take, but I have this gardening for the balcony book and they are supposed to work. Anyway, about halfway through the project my soil ran out. Put L down for a morning nap and quickly went to a hardware store up the street for more soil. I was knee deep in dirt when a friend of E's arrived for lunch (and for E to look at his Mac). It was a quick run to pick up some greek gyros from the little restaurant down below before L and I headed out to meet an old high-school classmate.

What beautiful weather we had sitting out at the café in the Tuileries. L was able to run wild rather than be cooped up in a café, but a little too wild because she has nothing holding her back, not even her own mother, when it comes to where she goes. A couple times I took my eyes off of her for 5 seconds and she was out of my sight! Luckily, she was also a crowd pleaser and charmed her way into many a people's tables, so I ended up having lots of babysitters to look after her!

And, a lovely afternoon it was getting reacquainted with a high-school pal. Etienne is always telling me how superficial blogging and Facebook are but I really feel quite the opposite. This way of connecting with people over the internet has really helped me feel like the world is less superficial. Reconnecting with a past you might otherwise lose in the rush to move forward in life. Seeing all of these different blasts from the past on Facebook makes me feel like we are still in this little world of high-school, only more grown up, but a familiar world all the same. And, as for my new friends made through blogging, it's a way to connect to people that is less superficial than meeting people at some random event like the weekly dog grooming class or yoga. I am grateful to be able to have tools to keep in touch, to remain timeless in a time ever so changing.

After a wonderful 3 hours in the sun and promises to keep in touch, L and I headed home but not without stopping in the American bookstore to window shop. Then, I grabbed the first bus in line without paying attention that it wasn't going to its final destination which happens to be the front door of our apartment building but was only going to about 8 stops ahead. When it reached its final destination and we were all forced to get off, I decided to try and walk a bit to find a metro or see if we could walk home (it's actually quite far from where the bus dropped us).

I let Louise get out of the stroller a bit to walk and I heard some kids playing in an open courtyard as we passed by an apartment building. I casually looked and recognized one of my students and then another! They were playing soccer with some other kids. I said hello to them and they were instantly embarrassed and didn't know what to do. In France, unlike my experience in Bartlesville where you run into your teachers all the time, there is this huge separation of teachers and students and cultural norms dictate that I probably shouldn't have said hello to them. But, I'm still American and I find it normal to greet those you have been with in class 4 hours a week since September. At first, they ignored me and didn't know what to do, so I continued with Louise. Then, all of the sudden I hear behind me "Hello Mrs. Foos" I turned and greeted them, introduced them to Louise. They asked me if she was born in France or in the US and I explained to them that she was born in France but that I speak English to her because I'm American. I told them to have a good rest of their vacation and I'll see them Monday.

Louise wanted to go play ball with them, but thank goodness we didn't because as I was talking to my students, I could feel the most appalling movements in the direction of Louise's diaper. She's been teething and not handling it too well. As soon as we left, I noticed a not so nice stain coming from L's diaper onto her jeans. That would have made for the laugh of the century in my 6th grade class: Mrs. Foos's baby pooped all over herself, it was so nasty! I quickly put L in her stroller and found another bus to get us home.

The diaper was worse than I could ever have imagined- all down the leg, all up the back. We needed double diaper duty- E put her in the sink while I cleaned up the changing table. Then, we put her in the bath. But, the spectacle continued in the bath. I instantly took her out and put her on the potty, where she continued her business, drained the bath water, bleached the bath tub and then put her back in there to shower her down. Poor thing, her little teeth are really causing her system to go into a funk. She was so cranky that I put her to bed and she instantly feel asleep.

Made boeuf bourgignon for dinner and while it was cooking cleaned up the balcony after the massive planting efforts this morning. I usually do this planting/cleaning up of the balcony once a year in the spring so that we can enjoy it in the summer. I would love, love, love a tree for our balcony or a very tall plant or flower bush but they are very expensive and I'm afraid that I'll get the wrong thing and then kill it. One of these days (one of these days my husband or MIL or anyone will have a sensible idea of what I'd like as a bday gift and get it!) Anyway, cleaned up the balcony, watered the plants, ate dinner and now, I'm ready to crash.

This is a random post, but it was kind of a random day. I'm done with my paper, now I need to proof it and send it off.

Cross your fingers that spring lasts this time, I have a feeling that I'll need some of that spring sunshine to lift up my spirits when the politics start again on Monday.

Death by chocolate mascarpone brownies

Death by chocolate mascarpone brownies, originally uploaded by afoos.

Random week

This week has been full of nice little surprises that add just enough to spruce up life a little. The surprises are nothing more than mundane, daily acts of life, but to me, they've been welcome.

It's been a treat having just Louise at home, being able to spend some one on one time with her. We miss Gab dearly (and I think he's a little bored with E's mom because he's figured out how to do redial on her phone and calls us like every 5 minutes) but it sure makes a difference just having one around. Granted, Louise has spent half that time at the daycare while I work on this paper that is due on Monday, but it has been nice to just take care of her in the evenings, to make her feel special. Now, Etienne and I understand why some people only want one child- it's so much easier!

This leads me to the next surprise- the cleanliness of the apartment. I've managed to organize a couple of cabinets as well as clean in depth most of the apartment AND have the energy to pick up after myself and not procrastinate doing things as I usually would because I'm just too darn tired. All of this on top of completing a 20 page paper. I'm telling you, it's the one child thing again. I've devised a theory that each child sucks that much more energy out of you and when one leaves on vacation for a week at his mamie's, that energy is restored. But, I would like that energy to be taken away again because I miss Gab!

Tonight, Louise and I decided to jump in the car and get the necessities to start our herb garden for the summer. She loves flowers and really enjoyed helping me pot the plants. I still would like a few more flowers for the balcony for decoration, but we got basil, parsley, cilantro and mint- the basics of what I use to cook and that will get us started. I love impromptu activities like that, especially on a beautiful evening when the sky is composed of all sorts of colors and we could enjoy this watercolor palette while repotting the flowers (even though it's a little cold for May 1st!)

We had some friends call to see if they could crash at our place tonight. I was planning a boeuf bourgignon and had gotten fresh strawberries at the market to go with the death by chocolate mascarpone brownies I had made, but they called at the last minute to cancel, so E and I got to enjoy the brownies by ourselves!

Tomorrow I'm meeting up with someone I knew from high-school for a drink in a café. She now lives in London and we hooked up on Facebook. Gotta love Facebook for that. Since I've been working hard on this paper and pretty much have it finished, besides the proofing, which will take a day, I am giving myself a break and Louise and I are hitting town tomorrow. It's so fun to meet up with friends from your past!

Pics to come...there are some new, random ones on Flickr if you are interested.