The One Where I Dump the Kids on the Husband

I've already described the cloud of fatigue that seems to hover over me throughout the day as if to say "I'm waiting for you" and then, always at the same time, when I go get the kids, this looming cloud engulfs me and from about 4:30 onwards, I am a walking zombie. I try to clean our neverending mess of an apartment, but to no avail because the kids promptly destroy what I've picked up. I try to get organized, to stay on top of things, but it just seems like I'm running this marathon in circles, never to reach the finish line.

The bottom line is that I am "supposed" to do everything. I say this because every time Etienne moves and does something, I hear "this house just isn't managed." I can infer from his sarcasm that he expects me to indeed do everything so that he doesn't have to do anything because really, at heart, he is lazy and would prefer to avoid the materialistic details of life at all costs. The problem is that there are only 24 hours in a day and even if I only sleep 5 or 6 of those hours (which is way more often than not), I just don't have the energy to do everything. So, some things get left behind and unfortunately, those things are noticed quickly and called to my attention.

Etienne is very French in that he only notices the things that I don't do, never the things I actually do. Sometimes, I feel like keeping a journal of exactly what I do in this house as a way to prove to him that I'm not sitting on my butt twiddling my thumbs. He also keeps reminding me that his mom, a doctor, did everything while raising 3 kids a year apart in age. First of all she's a perfectionist and had the French housewife model, something that I definitely don't have. Secondly, she did have a maid to help her. And thirdly, she came from a different time, when women were" supposed" to do everything. What were the feminist years for if I'm to find myself back in the 50s in 2008? I'm starting to believe one of my colleagues who said that French men still live in the Middle Ages.

Our apartment is perpetually in disorder. Contrary to what my husband thinks, at the bottom of my heart, I just can't stand the disorder but you get to a point when you can't spend all your energy cleaning up all the time. I try so hard to keep up with everything but it's nearly impossible. If I clean up the apartment, I can't take care of the kids, if I can't take care of the kids, they get into things and then I hear from Etienne "You aren't taking care of the kids" but at the same time he wants me to be more organized in the apartment. It's just a never ending cycle that perpetuates itself over and over and over again until there's an explosion.

So, after two whole days of hearing "Nothing is managed around here" (and he had the audacity to say that after I had made dinner tonight!), I was tired of arguing about this and said "Fine, you can take care of the kids the rest of the evening, I am going to bed." This was of course after the second night in a row when he has made indirect comments at 5:30 pm like "Fine, I can see no food will be made, I'll have to make dinner myself". 5:30 pm! We usually don't eat until 7-7:30, but if I am, gasp, relaxing a little, god forbid, and I'm not in the kitchen where every woman should be, then panic sets in and I am flagged for being a bad housewife. The thing is that he is deeply convinced that I do nothing, zilch, zero around the house and he is also deeply convinced that he does everything. I can't argue with someone who is convinced they are right. So, let him take care of the kids, give them their bath, brush their teeth, read them a story- all things that he does once a year- and I am going to have the evening off and I am perfectly conscious that I am doing nothing right now, for once.

Geez, sometimes I think I need to go on strike so that this family can really get the effect of what it would be for me not to do anything.

Oh, and I also think that we are crazy, seriously insane for wanting to add a third rugrat to the mix. Anyone have a good shrink who can brainwash us in the other direction?

Comments

[La Rêveuse]

Oh, and don't forget that 75% of the stuff is his--he is such a packrat!

I say good on you--I'd just walk out, keys in hand, and go somewhere for a few hours and leave him to it. He is so passive aggressive, and lazy, too. And to compare you to his mother? Please. Tell him to hire you a maid! (Knowing his frugality, that might shut him up for a minute.)

I feel for you, Andie. I would have told him to take a flying F*** at a rolling donut.

[Anne]

I did exactly that years ago with my first husband, who moaned and went on about everything, only I didn;t do anything RIGHT - meaning his way...so I handed it all over to him...I could cook...at least I got something right...

Why do men think it is so easy - Well his mum didn;t do it all did she, she had a maid...he needs to wake up and stop being so selfish...

Hope you have a better day tomorrow :-)

[Alice]

Hang in there, Andie... I know this is so hard, and I'm a bit nervous myself about adding a baby into my mix. I constantly feel like I can never stay on top of things in our place, but I honestly find myself worrying about the cleaning and stressing about it more than actually DOING it. I'm the worst housewife, truly! But I can cook at least... I'm hoping to improve in the cleaning department -- either that, or somehow manage to squeeze in the money for someone to come once every 2 weeks or so to help out.

My boyfriend doesn't complain about me not getting to things -- if anything, he says I need to relax more and not stress. Last night he wanted me to leave the dishes and come watch a movie with him, but I hate coming into a dirty kitchen in the morning! And he just doesn't understand that. He said he would do them in the morning, and I imagine one day I'll take him up on that, but our place is so small, and the kitchen miniscule, so breakfast with dishes in the sink just isn't pleasant...

He says I never want to do things HIS way, and maybe he's right sometimes, but when he does anything, he's pretty sloppy about it! Men are just completely incomprehensible sometimes...

I have to admit, when you say that he complains about the apartment but doesn't actually DO ANYTHING about it himself?! Now THAT's definitely unfair. Because you certainly can't do everything on your own, and that's why a couple is meant to be a team. To hell with that old-fashioned idea that it's all the woman's job!! It ISN'T.

[Tara]

Girl,
You need to leave him on his own for a week and see how he manages. Maybe then he'll get the picture.

[Jennie]

Andie, I have a degree in counseling. DO NOT BRING A THIRD CHILD into the chaos of your life at this time. The child will suffer, your other children will suffer, YOU will suffer and Etienne will once again get a free ride. You have plenty of time to have a third child after you get your teaching license and have worked for a few years. What fun to have a baby when the other children are a little bit more independent!

[Teresa]

Jennie is the voice of reason, Andie please listen to her!