C'est ma vie

Bath Shot

The Bath shot, originally uploaded by afoos.

Made possible by recent furniture move (because I am sitting where the armoire used to be).

Silliness

Silliness, originally uploaded by afoos.

This pic captures perfectly the silliness of our kids: Gab is usually being the clown while his sister admires him. Notice Gab's dark brown eyes and Louise's clear blue eyes.

Disclaimer: I am aware that my daughter has a mullet and looks like a 1980s senior picture. We've tried everything and now she takes the hairbows out! I guess there's nothing else to do but wait out this in-between stage!

Brownies!

Brownies!, originally uploaded by afoos.

Saturday Night Dessert

Lentil soup and cornbread

Lentil soup and cornbread, originally uploaded by afoos.

Saturday Night Dinner

Men and Aesthetics

Besides metrosexuals and homosexuals, what is it with men and Apartment Decoration 101? Did they just skip this class all together? Or, is my man just a little weird and all men aren't like this?

Case in point: E believes that any free space that hasn't been taken up yet by a piece of furniture should be carefully plotted out for future furniture placement, marked with an X, and that any removal of a piece of furniture with the excuse of freeing up space is okay, as long as the space that is freed is then carefully plotted out for another piece of furniture to replace said furniture so that our apartment will eventually be brimming with furniture, shelves, armoires.

Okay, let's just give an example. I've already showed you how I rearranged the room a little. The two shelves were taken our of our hallway and put in our room. E's first reaction? "Great, that means we can find more shelves for the hallways!" It was then that I had to burst his bubble by saying that it's actually nice to walk in the hallways without bumping into the shelves and knocking over 10 livres de poches every time we passed by. I continued my space freeing adventures last weekend when the fam had disappeared on me. If you've ever been in our bathroom, you know that a/ It's small for a family of 4, so I can't even imagine what it would be like with a family of 5 b/ it's the only place in the apartment we can put our washer/dryer combo making the bathroom even smaller and c/ we made matters even worse by putting an armoire in there leaving only about a 2 foot space to access the bathtub. I can't tell you how cramped I felt every night getting in there to give the kids a bath. But, I persevered "for the sake of space" (even though I've tried to tell E several times that the contents of this armoire could very easily be moved elsewhere so that said armoire did not even have to exist.) Well, in the mood for a little change, I moved the whole damn thing last Saturday. Moved it into our walk-in closet/dump everything room off the hallway. And, I can't tell you how much better the bathroom feels. E is still not convinced and his mind is still plotting with how to get the armoire back in there because he's uncomfortable with the empty, wasted space but I keep telling him that if we want to survive in this apartment throughout the kids' childhood, we need to free up some space in the places where we "live", including the bathroom.

The final example is today, when I asked E to hang up this cute little white shelf I had gotten at a brocante last year. It had three little hooks and I thought it would look nice in our now empty hallway, just as an accent piece to hang some of my bags. His response "I can't believe you are going to take up this whole wall to hang one little silly set of hooks when we could be putting shelves or something else here".

I swear, they will never understand the intricacies of what it takes to make a "home". But, for now, I am going to enjoy my freed up hallway and bigger bathroom space. Oh, and that bag that has a Prada label looks really cute on those hooks.

Changing paths

Recently I've been trying to find any spare moment I can, I even take the computer into the bathroom that's how bad it is, to read a newly discovered blog, Pioneer Woman. Now, before I go any further, this type of behavior is what gets me in trouble with Etienne. I find a blog that catches my attention and then I'll become obsessive compulsive and want to read every single back post like a good novel you can't put down. Etienne doesn't really fancy the blogging culture so it's already hard enough to convince him (actually to convince myself as well) why I would prefer digging into the depths of the lives of other people rather than trying to make our own lives here more profound. But, such is human nature. In the 17th century there was Shakespeare, in the 21st century we have blogs.

Anyway, so, I am hooked on this blog like a fish caught off guard and cannot put it down (can we say that for blogs?) Reading it reminds me so much of my own story in a way. My old stomping grounds were definitely not all the glitz and glamour of L.A. like Pioneer Woman's, but I had my own, university town version in Norman where plans of who to spend happy hour with, what to wear to what occasion, which gay, yuppy, or drag bar to frequent on Friday night with my group of intellectual posers, what literature conference I would attend, whether to eat sushi, Indian or Thai, all dictated my life. Silence and settling were not a part of that time in my life and if they had been, I probably would have married my pre-Etienne boyfriend, Dave, the latin teacher/future lawyer. But, that only lasted a second because the stability was making me anxious- his romantic shrimp dinners with an after-dinner movie from his immense video collection just made me uneasy- the prospect of stasis was too much. So, from bar to restaurant to conference to mall I hopped as I worked on my Master's degree in French. At that time, I decided that maybe I wanted to put off getting married and having a family. In fact, I was even thinking that if I did eventually settle down, it would definitely be to another intellectual and that we would only have one child that we could spoil with Mozart, Hemingway, and Art History. And, of course all of this after I got my PhD in French and got a secure job at a university.

My year in France was only supposed to put these plans on hold, to better my French so that I could come back and finish my Master's and work on my PhD at another university. Never did I think I would stay here, in Paris. And, certainly never did I think that paradoxically, the big city would offer a much more silent, stable and glamourless life than the one I thought I was living in Norman. Instead of happy hour, I am making baby bottles. Instead of deciding which black boots to wear with what shirt and skirt combination, I am going through clothes trying to get rid of the overflow that can't fit in our tiny apartment. Instead of Indian, Thai, or Sushi, I am learning to cook for my family. Instead of literature conferences, we attend family reunions in Burgundy where the call for papers are birthday wishes for my MIL's 70th. All the intellectual energy I used to have has now been transformed into physical energy picking up toys, giving baths, mopping up spills, doing laundry. I knew, when I met Etienne, that I was never going to attend another cocktail party again. That I would never again need a different type of outfit for different types of functions- now, my only functions are mommy, wife, and teacher. Instead of 4 times a season, the dresses I had bought to attend award banquets have only been worn once every 4 years when there is a wedding or baptism in the family. And, do I miss my old life?

Yes, I do. Sometimes, but not all the time. To get Etienne to go out is like forcing medicine down my children's throats. I guess we don't need to go out when we have the Eiffel Tower staring us in the face every single morning and evening, but sometimes I ask myself why live in a big city if we live the suburban lifestyle? I try and catch a drink from time to time with a colleague but I still have at the back of my mind the guilt that my husband is home with the two little ones and that I should be helping him out or that he should be there with me. Our lives, although mobile, are in the same place- kids and work and not much time for anything else. Sometimes, I'd like to have something to do on a Friday night, somewhere to go. I'd like to get out one of those dresses for something besides a wedding or a baptism and go to a book signing or a literature conference or a cocktail party in a museum. But, then I think about what I wouldn't have if I did that. The life I've gotten a wonderful taste of since I've been in France wouldn't exist and I would be alone again meandering through parties and dates and happy hours.

I miss it, but I've learned so many things by changing paths and going a different route. I've learned to be more patient, I've learned what selfishness is (which is something I battle everyday), I've learned what it's like to have to give yourself for others. Sometimes it's hard, like today when all I wanted to do was be alone to write, to knit, to sleep, to read. Or, how many times do I pass by the corner café going to pick up Gab from school and I want to just sit there reading and watching people go by as I sip on a frothy café crème. Sometimes I question my choices to be a mother because sometimes I feel that I am really not cut out for this and am definitely putting my goals and ambitions on hold and don't even know if I'll make my way back to them. But, then, in those tiny moments I find my own identity as a mother again. I've learned what it's like to transition, to erase yourself and start over completely as a clean slate only to have to find yourself again, which is what I've been doing since I came to France. And, I've learned that it's possible to adopt another lifestyle and be completely happy. But, it has been a path full of compromise and even losing good friends along the way.

So, thank you Pioneer Woman for letting us peek into your transition and see your own struggles as you made the change to a different lifestyle. It has really allowed me to see that it's okay to miss the past but also how we can miss the past while embracing our new, wonderful lives in the present and future.

Looking forward

This week has been a difficult one. When someone tells you that you are basically a piece of §&!= and that they can't do anything more for you and implies that basically my year is already finished because I don't know how to teach and will never learn, well, you take a pretty hard beating. Luckily, however, I have found a lot of support through all of this. Two of my colleagues overheard my debriefing Monday and were so shocked that they called another colleague who called another colleague and word got around so that on Tuesday, I had tons of colleagues coming up asking how they could help me with my teaching, with my discipline problems in class and how they could help me get through this year because contrary to other opinions, they wanted to see me succeed and see me as a part of the teaching profession. So, after that it got better. It got better after Wednesday when another student teacher was full of encouragement and motivation and then even better when my high-school class was awesome yesterday. More and more I am thinking that high-school is where I feel my place more. But, not this year. This year, I need to perfect my junior high techniques, namely the discipline tactics. But, slowly, things are looking up. The school vacation in a week will be a very welcome break to recharge the batteries that have been on empty for about 3 weeks now.

Last night I kind of broke my Back to the Basics routine because the previous night I had dug one of those tasteless frozen pre-made meals out of the freezer. You know, the ones you buy "in case of an emergency" but that you have no intention of eating really and then throw away? Well, it wasn't a treat for the family, but we had to eat it. Anyway, so last night I needed to run to the pharmacy for Louise, so I decided to make up for that buy making Quesadillas and needed a few added extras at the store. We already had the tomato, the tortillas, the cheese and onions but I needed an avocado and mushrooms at the store. When we got to the store down the street, they had added this whole "bakery" stand that looked so much like something you would find in the US with different breads, pastries and donuts!!!! In the US, I am a huge sucker for donuts and in France, you just don't come by them very often. Well, I gave in, it was too good to be true, and bought some for this morning as a special treat for all of us. Luckily, I am too lazy to walk to this store and rarely go there, if not, we might be in a danger zone. And, luckily again, I don't like going to the store across the street so the Back to the Basics activity should resume its normal course of events tonight with some type of concoction made from shrimp and peas in the freezer.

I (don't) heart Valentine's Day

I was observing another teacher's 6th grade class today and when one of the students wrote the date on the board, she didn't miss the opportunity to ask the students what day it was. It was refreshing to see that at least with these students the cheesy American holiday hasn't influenced them yet. When I was their age, if you didn't get a note in the last hour of class saying that you had "something" waiting for you in the office, then you were a complete loser. Halloween has made it's way to France, but I accept its cheesiness, after all, the French have their Mardi Gras costumes like we have our Halloween. But, V-Day is just one of those holidays that I hope will not corrupt the French culture more than it already has.

I still remember with fondness the heart shaped box of chocolates my grandmother would give us every year. I also remember my mom trying to make it special by getting us each something special. This year, she sent a Valentine to Gab and Louise over e-mail and Gab really enjoyed seeing the animation. And while I don't mind others showing their fondness of the holiday by wishing the kids a Happy V Day, you won't find us celebrating Valentine's Day in our household or even explaining to the kids what it means because to us, it doesn't have any special meaning as it does for the millions of people who buy into the holiday invented by Hallmark. It's just another, ordinary and extraordinary day like any other. You don't need a silly holiday to have an excuse to go to a special dinner or to show your love- why do you need an excuse for that and why do you need a card company dictating a day when you are supposed to tell someone you love them? Shouldn't that be everyday? (Hey, wouldn't they make more money, too, expanding their options of love days rather than limiting it to one day of the year?)

We may be a little cynical, but we just don't buy into the Valentine's Day silliness. And, if I hadn't observed that class today, I wouldn't have even realized that it was February 14th.

Basically, I'm a nothing

Well, at least that's how I felt today after the observation. My students were beyond intolerable and I finally had to raise my voice several times during class to get them to calm down (which didn't work one bit). Actually, for the past couple weeks, since Gab has been waking us up at 5 am, I've noticed a decline in my authority in class and that I have lost the trust of my students.

Then I learned that it wasn't the students, it was my way of teaching that was making them so chatty. Okay, fine, let's say it is and that I need to improve on that. But, it wasn't just that.

I've been trying and trying and trying to do my best, to try different things, to be creative, to make the students interested and then, for an hour today after my class, all I heard was I'm a failure, that I don't follow the advice I'm given, that I need to seriously put myself into question before I continue in this career because next year I will go into depression, that just because I'm American doesn't mean I know how to teach. For an hour I had to listen to this. And then icing on the cake was when I was told "Well, I should try to find something positive to say but there isn't anything'"

What in the world are you supposed to do with that? Instead of helping me in a constructive way, all I take from that is I should just get out this career, that I've already spent 7 happy years of my life doing, before it's too late. Or, that my student teaching year is doomed and that I'll have to do another year over again. I understand there are points to improve and that my class didn't go well that there are plenty of things that could have gone much better but help me instead of putting the label 'doomed' on me. I'm not dumb but I was made out to be today. I don't listen, I don't follow advice, I am just a dumb American thinking she can come to France and adapt to the system here. At least that's how I felt for an hour today as I had to try and swallow those scathing words with a spoonful of sugar.

I was trying so hard to fight back my tears as I was hearing these words. And, I did fight back the tears. But, it hasn't been a fun evening. After today, instead of motivation to persevere and to get back up again (because it's obviously not going well with my students right now and I need to rethink my own methodology in class), I didn't feel motivated at all. Do you think being told that there's nothing else that can be done for you is very motivating?

So, after some consolation from DH and from my mentor, who reassured me that she has seen progress so she knows I am capable of progressing and getting over this hump, I am feeling a tiny bit better. But, I'm just hoping I can pull through this year. Getting a good night's sleep tonight is the first step.

Chasing a mouse on a string

Have you ever had the impression that you are a cat chasing a mouse on a string? That you try so hard to "catch" something but that no matter how close you get, you just can't. Sometimes, we don't realize the mouse isn't reachable at all. We don't know that it's on a string being pulled by some unknown force and that we will never be able to touch what we are pursuing.

I think a lot of my year has been like this in a lot of areas of my life. There comes a point when you have to throw in the towel and give up trying to acheive communication and trying to recreate something that perhaps will never be. This is not the first time I've done this and it will probably not be the last but there comes a point when you look like a complete idiot chasing a mouse on a string.