Letting Go

Today, Gab had to learn a hard lesson of letting go. When you become a parent, I think one of the hardest things to experience is seeing your children hurt. And this is one of the first times that I've really hurt for one of my children because I couldn't do anything for him.

As you know, Gab had gone to a wonderful daycare from the age of 4 months up until last July. It was really a wonderful experience, and he became quite attached to the woman who had taken care of him for nearly 3 years. I had been saying to myself that I should really take the kids back so that Gab can see his caregiver again, but I hesitated- is this really a good thing for Gab? He has been saying her name off and on since the beginning of school, so finally I decided that before Xmas, I would take the kids up there. I just happened to have this morning free, so I wrote an e-mail to the daycare asking if today would be a good time and they said no problem and that they would expect our visit. I can't even express how excited Gab was for this visit. The whole morning he talked about it and he literally ran to the car when the time came to leave.

In the back of my mind, I thought we would go, Gab would play a little, I'd talk with the different people we knew during our 3 years there etc... Well, when we showed up, all of the kids were either in their coats or getting dressed in their winter gear and the caregivers were doing the same. I thought maybe they were just going outside, but they told me that they were going on a walk down the street to a bookstore that had an order waiting for them. I felt kind of awkward so I stupidly said 'Oh, well, we can just wait here with whoever is staying here and Gabriel can play a little then we can visit afterwards', that's when they said 'Oh, no we're all going.' Gab and Louise had barely taken their coats off and I hadn't even had a chance to take mine off yet but turns out that I didn't need to! Maybe I should have offered for us to walk with them? Maybe that's what they expected? But, it sure didn't feel like it. It was just an awkward situation and not one I had expected.

Anyway, the visit was cut very short and when all the kids and caregivers started heading out the door, Gab thought he was going with him and it broke my heart to tell him that he was going back in the car to come home. The whole way home he cried and it literally brought tears to my eyes.

I know we have to learn to let go in life and perhaps it wasn't a good decision on my part to take the kids back. I'm pretty sure the whole situation was pretty inadvertent and that the caregivers were unaware that we felt awkward- to them, we are no longer a part of that and we were just outsiders who interrupted their scheduled outing and I can't blame them in any way because we are supposed to have moved on. But, that doesn't change the fact that it was still sad to see my poor Gab hurting over this. Luckily, it only lasted a car ride home and he seems to have gotten over it and there will be a lot more strife in life that he'll have to learn to get over- this is just the beginning. I don't know if I'll take them back again, though.

We have a tendency to think that we can jump back into situations we were once a part of as if time had never passed. But rather than go back in time, sometimes the only way to survive is to learn to let go.