C'est ma vie

The Call of the Bucks

Or, trying to get your son to distinguish between the B and F sounds.

Etienne's sister had planned her 40th birthday party for this weekend in the middle of nowhere somewhere between the SW and East of France about 6 hours from Paris. All I know is we took the highway and then got off and went on some pretty windy roads alongside steep cliffs for about an hour and we ended up in this magnificent village surrounded by glorious fall colored trees nestled in the Cevennes mountains. Even cell phones didn't pick up a signal there, which is saying a lot since they do pick up in the metro.

E's sister's family comes to this place every year to hear the mating call of the Buck. Late at night or early in the morning they come out and they sound like a cross between a lion and a cow or like the sound you hear in the movie Grudge. It's scary, beautiful, breathtaking, awesome all at the same time. But, besides the Buck, we had lots of fun with family as we gathered around a bonfire talking, eating, and drinking as well as taking in nature with a little hiking. We would have done more hiking had Louise not decided to throw up all of her lunch at the last minute, which caused us to make an unplanned trip back to our cabin to bathe and change.

But, I think the highlight of the weekend was our son, who just couldn't get the difference in the F and B sounds. So, you can imagine that the whole way to the restaurant we hear "It's a *uck, when he really meant, it's a Buck". I felt like we were in a movie. Pics to come.

Angoisse

I love my job so much that I almost forget about this dark feeling I have, this sense of angoisse at the back of my mind that looms in the darkest corners only to make its appearance when I least expect it (and when I least need it). I'm trying very hard to keep a positive outlook on things, tell myself that I'm going to pass this year, tell myself that they will like what they see when that infamous evaluation happens. I love my job, work my you know what off, and in that respect, I feel a certain peace about the flow of the year and think that I'll pass, I have to. Then, I get together with a couple fellow student teachers this afternoon, and that angoisse just rears its ugly head again.

See, one of my fellow student teachers has already been observed, not evaluated, by a teacher who is supposed to guide her through the year. And, guide her her, she does, with lots of pages of notes and critical suggestions, none of which have a very positive tone. My friend doesn't feel confident and is quickly losing faith that she'll even pass this year, she feels like whatever she does isn't good enough. But, then I got to thinking, it's not good enough!

How can we, as beginning teachers, be up to the level that's expected of us at the end of the year right now? We can't, and those who are supposed to guide us are just trying to be tough so that we'll be tough on ourselves to be up to par. If we didn't have an incentive to work on improving ourselves, then we would stink as teachers. At least by being tough on us at the beginning, maybe towards the end we will have improved. I know that I could use some improvement in how I teach, we all do! I also know this tactic because I use it with my own students- I am very strict with them now to make them squeeze into the classroom mold that I created for them (which involves NO talking!!!!) and once that's happened, I can lighten up a little.

I've had my dose of negativity in the French system and a rude awakening in university with the differences in the French and American system, but I'm now beginning to see where a little negativity can't hurt and where it's actually a positive thing in the end. This is going to be a rough year and I am preparing myself now to be completely brought down, 'écrasé', decomposed, so that I can start building myself up again with the new ways of teaching we're learning this year.

So, let's just keep it like that, it's a good year, goodbye anxiety, goodbye worry.....

Brocanting

I've mentioned before my love for "Brocantes" or flea markets/street sales. Basically, the whole village blocks off a street and people come and set up tables and then sell their stuff, like one huge garage sale. You find furniture, nic-nacs, toys and best of all kids clothes! And, they are great quality clothes that are still in great shape. I've been know to come home with Baby Dior, Ralph Lauren, Tommy Hilfiger, Gap Kids and usually I don't pay more than 3 dollars per item of clothing and most of the time, it's more like a dollar per item!

Now that I've discovered brocantes, I make it a point to go once in the fall once in the spring, which is usually when they take place. This weekend, we were at my MIL's, so I found a smaller one near her place. Gab needed some pants desperately and Louise had a few things she could use too, so Louise and I made an excursion to a beautiful village in Normandy. It was a small, one street village, so it only took about an hour to fill my bag with 3 pairs of shorts, 3 pairs of pants and a polo shirt for Gab, 2 sweaters for Etienne, and about 6 outfits plus 10 onesies for Louise plus 2 dresses, a couple shirts and a skirt and jacket and the topper was I found the most adorable taffeta dress for her to wear next summer to my brother's wedding. All of this for 40 dollars! And, the best part is that the kids are set for the year now!

The Chapter is Closed

The thing is, is that I like a good debate once in awhile, to brew things up like crazy, shake and stir. In my belief, it's one of the few ways to really get past the superficial and get somewhere. I used to think that quarrels were an ineffective way to communicate, but my relationships, especially with my husband, have only grown stronger because of that because we get to the heart of things. E and his mom fight ALL the time, and they are very close. We can't all agree on anything and everything and it's good to position ourselves on our own side of things, however passionate we are, and fight it out. DISCLAIMER: Not ALL the time, but sometimes. And, if we don't do that, then our relationships stay the mundane, superficial facts of everyday life and we don't learn to grow and it's no wonder that even the slightest bit of disagreement will cause the relationship to go haywire.

When I was talking with Etienne in the car last night about my recent rejection from the online groups, he said "Why are you wasting your time analyzing what happened and why? If you really have friends or people you were hoping to have as friends in that group, an incident like this one, whether you were agressive or not towards them, would not inhibit a friendship, it's secondary to what should make your relationships thrive, how many times have I had heated debates with my friends and you still see us talking and continuing to have debates, if we stopped at that, then we would never have any friends". And, he's right, and I'm going to chalk it up to that. The chapter is closed.

One more thing...

Not only did I find out I was banned from the Mothering group, I also just found out that I was banned from a Flickr group that had nothing to do with mothering and where I hadn't posted in a month or so and my last photo was a food photo of Basil from our garden- is that provoking? I tell you, I am dangerous for this world...

Etienne has about 5 really close friends. They get into debate after debate- sometimes I hear them talking on the phone for hours debating and provoking each other and using a lot of the tones that I used with the Mommy group. I have even seen emails Etienne has written to his friends, provoking them to go further in their thoughts and provoking their identities, and they thrive on that, on making each other react and think. We go to their houses and the conversation is interesting, full of opinions and insight. I made the mistake that I could do that as well because I, too, love conversation that can step out and find the other ideas it encompasses. I thought that I, too, could be a little blunt in my tone in order to get a point across, to provoke in order to reflect and think about a problem, to react. But, guess not after all.... And, I guess behind the pic of the Basil is a dangerous person....

Scratch that...

I HAVE been kicked out of the online Mommy group! When I went to log on this morning, it said that I had been kicked out! I wasn't really serious yesterday when my post said that I might get kicked out- it was supposed to be funny and humorous, never did I think that it would really happen!

Don't know if it was my ideas, the fact that I blogged about it, my opinions, or if I didn't fit into the mould of the group or what. I honestly didn't think that I did anything 'wrong', but maybe that's where the problem lies! Maybe it was my tone? I personally think it was a big misunderstanding and that the group felt attacked when I didn't in any way mean to attack anyone- was just trying to bring in another perspective and sometimes, I admit to not bringing that perspective in the most tactful of ways. But, sheesh, before kicking me out there could at least have been some dialogue!

Oh well, not going to run after them. And, not going to say it's their loss or mine because they are probably content to not have my provocation in the group and I am content to not have a place where I feel provoked all the time to share my opinion. Still, I guess I thought there was a little more open-minded ness out there.

The Mommy Wars

I swear I am going to get kicked out my online mommy chat group one of these days. My mouth is too big.

And, I am probably not the best candidate for mommy groups and am, in fact, a pariah of mommy groups and sometimes I even wonder why I participate in them. See, I'm a mother, but it's just one hat among the many I wear. It's not something that preoccupies my time 100 percent because I also have obligations to my "kids" at school, my husband, my family, my friends, and myself. Perhaps my priorities aren't in the right places, especially this year when unfortunately even unknowingly I will probably put my school kids before my real kids at times as I get used to teaching this age group, but who says where our priorities should be? And, I guess mommy groups (duh, the whole reason for a mommy group is to talk about mommy stuff!) put the priority on being a mother. I think that I refused long ago, unconsciously, to allow my sole identity to be 'a mother'. It's a big part of me, but I don't want the emphasis to be on that because if not, I would personally go crazy and not love my kids as much as I do by learning to separate my roles.

So, the whole debate came when someone started a thread on leaving your kids in the car. The example was extreme, 2 hours leaving a child alone in the car and of course I would disagree with that type of behavior for many reasons I won't get into here. I didn't think anything of it until someone else wrote a comment on seeing a lady leave their crying baby in the car the other day and wanting to find the police to report the lady.

Well, if the police should be called for that, then the damn social services should be called on me! Seriously, I overreacted, but I actually felt for that lady! She is probably the best mom out there and someone would think of calling the authorities on her just because she might just be running up to get her son from piano practice or across the street to get a baguette? I know this probably wasn't the exact circumstance and I wasn't there so I can't judge from a distance, but how many times have I left the kids in the car to run back up home to get something? I just thought it was a normal practice.

Then, I actually did a big no-no (I know, I was asking for trouble) and admitted to leaving Gab upstairs on the 5th floor asleep while my mom and I went to the restaurant on the 1st floor of our building. The baby monitor could have reached, but we didn't have one, so I just went back up once to check on him. We have also gone on a 15 to 20 min. walk at 10 at night when the kids are sound asleep and now I remember going down to McDonalds to get an ice cream after putting the kids to bed when Etienne wasn't here. All the while, I'm thinking all of this is normal behavior, doesn't everyone do things like this? But, the mommy group didn't agree.

Actually, to be fair, while most disagreed with leaving your children alone for any amount of time, the only remark that kind of hurt was that a decision that puts your children in danger couldn't be respected and that I was putting my kids in danger. Well, isn't being a mommy putting your children in danger? Isn't childbirth putting your children in danger? Isn't living life in general putting your children in danger? Gab probably has 10 times more of a chance to hurt himself under my supervision running around the park or the apartment 8 hours during the day than he does 2 hours at night fast asleep in a crib where he can't get out. I would never leave them now to do that because Gab can get out of his room, but at the age he was at the time, there was even less risk of him getting hurt at night in his crib than there was during the day.

Anyway, the whole debate kind of pushed some buttons.

Rhythm of the Week

I am on a schedule again where the week is so busy that the only time I can really unwind is the weekend. It's business clothes during the week and bring out the sweats and Tshirts on the weekend. But, it feels good and natural- I'm just someone who can't handle non-routine and am weirdly more productive when I have a lot to do and a structured schedule. But, the week is very tiring, to say the least. It seems that life has gone from vacation to talking shop in just a matter of weeks.

I know Etienne is getting tired of me blabbing his ear off when I come home, but I just love my job and all the aspects that go with it, even trying to find a creative but effective way to discipline my "kids" in class by getting the chatting under control. Big problems today resulted in a pop quiz, 5 kids who stayed after class so that I could write notes to their parents about their talking problems, and the next time they will have to come to school an hour early for detention. A language class just cannot be held when there is any type of murmur or chatter, no way. Then, you get the same question asked 10 times because the others don't hear and that slows down the class. It's been interesting to find the "friendly but strict" balance and although we aren't there yet, it's getting there. I also can't wait for the next time I'll teach and am always looking forward to getting in the classroom again and my mind during the week is always focused on what type of activities I can do with the kids to help them learn English but at the same time make it enjoyable. Sometimes I even wake up in the middle of the night with an idea! And, let's not talk about sleep- averaging about 5-6 hours a night, but motivation keeps me going. Maybe all of the excitement will wind down a little and soon, I'll be back on a more normal sleep schedule, but for now the week is filled with work and family and that's about it!

Then, there is the weekend, awwwww, the weekend. It is the one time I allow myself to unwind from the week. I've made a rule to myself that from Friday afternoon to Sunday afternoon/evening, no work! Everyone needs a break and I know my mind does.

My schedule this year kind of makes me nostalgic for high-school when it was school, after school job, then homework sometimes until 2 am and the weekend was really the only time to relax. At that time, I remember Friday nights laying in my bed thinking 'I am so, so tired but I can enjoy my sleep tonight because it's the weekend and there are no alarms'.

Well, that's what I am thinking right now. It was a good, productive week. Here we are, Friday night, and I am laying in bed thinking, 'I can sleep'. It's only 9:30 pm, but it will be an oh so wonderful slumber.

By the way, in high-school, I hated summer vacation- no routine!

Confidence

For the first time in my life, I feel confident, maybe even too much so. I've always been the little mouse running after people, apologizing infinitely, groveling at feet, and shaking with fear around the presence of any type of administrative superior. No more. It doesn't get you anywhere.

This year, one of my goals was to be confident in myself, my classroom strategy, my teaching and to use that confidence in all areas of my life. Already we are two weeks into the school year, and I feel great, on top of things and couldn't love my job any more. What a wonderful and fulfilling opportunity teaching is. Each night I come home, I can't wait to get back in there again the next day! The challenge of showing the students how to learn keeps me going all the time. Did I say how much I love it?

I am no longer afraid to speak to my superiors and try at every moment to go towards people rather than hide from them, and I've met a lot of wonderful colleagues because of it. I am also immensely enjoying the teacher training we're receiving twice a week- lots of new ideas to integrate into the classroom and lots of ways to structure the class. This year is going to be good.

I think there is a way to be too confident though, and I do need to calm things down and accept a little humiliation. But, part of that confidence is being able to do that- bring it on- I want cricicism, I want to know what I'm doing wrong, I want to get better! This is the first time in my life I haven't felt afraid to bloom, if you accept that cheesy expression, to go for it and not be afraid if I'm doing the right thing or saying the wrong thing. So, this past week I've been on a high with what this new confidence can bring- namely respect. And, I honestly feel that my weakness wouldn't have allowed me to successfully pursue this career beforehand. It's a blessing in disguise that I didn't pass that test sooner because if I had, I'm not sure to have made it. Up to this point, I've had a hard time accepting any criticism and have been rather defensive but I can already tell that this year, my mind is much more open and less on guard and I can't wait for it to take off in full swing!

You didn't want to be there

in my classes today, that is. It was a huge, huge call to order and it worked. I put on my drill sergent hat and gave them a huge speech on why they needed to be quiet, reminding them of the class rules- all of this while they were standing. I told them from now on, they walk in and under no circumstance do they sit down until they've taken off their coats and hats, they've put their 'carnet de correspondance' (a book used to correspond with the parents) on their desk in front of them, and I've said 'Good Morning or Afternoon' and they've responded back and then I say 'Sit Down'. And, I told them that the first person who talks without raising their hand will get a punishment, which means even when I ask the date, they need to raise their hands and not just blurt it out. I walked around class a lot today and really cracked down and for once, we had a decent class and they know I'm serious. After a few classes like this it will come naturally to them.

I think a lot of new teachers want the students to like them, want them to go home and say to their parents how cool their teacher is. But, when you think about it, a cool teacher isn't the one who lets the class get out of hand. It's the one who can find that nice balance between control and fun. I tried to be funny by replacing the word 'Walkman' with 'Ipod' in the text today, and they liked it. And, if you think about it, a parent is never going to complain that you are keeping the class under control and a student isn't going to go home and say 'I hate my teacher, she made us be quiet the whole class'. So, it is so necessary to be really strict now. After today, I am much, much more optimistic for this year. My students also love to participate in the exercises, which helps.

To top it off, I ran into the principal in the hallway today and she apologized for the misunderstanding concerning my absence. She asked for me to make an appointment with her anyway because she'd like to discuss the procedures with the parents, etc... Because my colleague said I didn't need to be at the back to school meeting that I was actually supposed to be at, the parents are all worried that they didn't meet me and that their kids don't have the right materials, etc., so I feel that we are going to spend a couple weeks getting caught up and on the same page in that class.

But, all in all, self confidence hugely paid off today and it was an excellent day. Hopefully, it will continue and end in a successful year.