Angoisse

I love my job so much that I almost forget about this dark feeling I have, this sense of angoisse at the back of my mind that looms in the darkest corners only to make its appearance when I least expect it (and when I least need it). I'm trying very hard to keep a positive outlook on things, tell myself that I'm going to pass this year, tell myself that they will like what they see when that infamous evaluation happens. I love my job, work my you know what off, and in that respect, I feel a certain peace about the flow of the year and think that I'll pass, I have to. Then, I get together with a couple fellow student teachers this afternoon, and that angoisse just rears its ugly head again.

See, one of my fellow student teachers has already been observed, not evaluated, by a teacher who is supposed to guide her through the year. And, guide her her, she does, with lots of pages of notes and critical suggestions, none of which have a very positive tone. My friend doesn't feel confident and is quickly losing faith that she'll even pass this year, she feels like whatever she does isn't good enough. But, then I got to thinking, it's not good enough!

How can we, as beginning teachers, be up to the level that's expected of us at the end of the year right now? We can't, and those who are supposed to guide us are just trying to be tough so that we'll be tough on ourselves to be up to par. If we didn't have an incentive to work on improving ourselves, then we would stink as teachers. At least by being tough on us at the beginning, maybe towards the end we will have improved. I know that I could use some improvement in how I teach, we all do! I also know this tactic because I use it with my own students- I am very strict with them now to make them squeeze into the classroom mold that I created for them (which involves NO talking!!!!) and once that's happened, I can lighten up a little.

I've had my dose of negativity in the French system and a rude awakening in university with the differences in the French and American system, but I'm now beginning to see where a little negativity can't hurt and where it's actually a positive thing in the end. This is going to be a rough year and I am preparing myself now to be completely brought down, 'écrasé', decomposed, so that I can start building myself up again with the new ways of teaching we're learning this year.

So, let's just keep it like that, it's a good year, goodbye anxiety, goodbye worry.....