C'est ma vie: Passing

Today has been a rough day. I found out at 11 am French time that my grandmother had passed away in the wee morning hours of US time. It was to be expected, but it doesn't make it any easier.

There were lots of emotions today. When I first found out about her death, the only way I knew how to react because I guess that was the way I chose to deal was 'There is no way I can get back for the funeral, what about the kids, the new job'. But, that's not what I really wanted and that's not how I wanted to react. I want to be there with my family and I think it's important at a time like this, but the material world still dragged me down. With the help of my husband, I quickly came to the conclusion that the kids were taken care of that week (the second week of September) and the only thing holding me back was the prospect of the French administration, my employers as of September 1st, writing a big red X over my name and putting me on the black list for the rest of the year after I had worked 4 long years to become a teacher just because I have to miss 4 days. In France, country of all benefits, you do not get days off for a grand-parent's funeral. And, even now as I sit here typing this, I cannot believe that I would even think of not going back just because of this. Then, when I had my mom on the phone, it all became clear- I needed to go back, there is no way she is going through this alone and there is no way I am going to ditch my family right now.

So, the plane ticket is reserved and some serious praying needs to take place so that my superiors will be understanding of my situation and that I can leave with a clear conscience. But, even if they don't understand, I know that in the end, I am doing the right thing, the wrong thing would have been to stay here.

I am sad about a lot of things- sad that Etienne didn't get to know the grandmother that I knew as a child, sad that these past couple years haven't been the greatest trying to relate to her, sad that we left our last visit in November with a sour after taste, sad that my mom has lost both of her parents, sad that my kids didn't get to know their great-grandmother like I got to know my own great-grandmother who died only a year ago, sad that a lot of the memories I have are from the physical places that are slowly slipping from existence and her death just puts that even more into perspective, sad that she's not here anymore to talk about literature over a cookie and milk in her kitchen, and just sad that she's gone.

But, there are also a lot of happy things to come out of this and that's where I want to leave this post, instead of dwelling on the sad- happy that she is no longer suffering both physically and spiritually because I honestly think that after losing 2 children and a husband it was not easy waking up every morning, happy that the memories I have are wonderful and that her existence created those memories because my life would have been sadder without them, happy that my family is able to be together next weekend- all of us- which is a rare occurrence in daily life, and happy that the rare moments I have when my clothes are matched and my bag is the same color, there is no other person I got that from than my grandma and that is something I will literally wear from my grandma the rest of my life. She may not have been the type to talk about the beauty of life in abstract and poetic terms but she sure knew about style.

I love you, Grandma, and thank you for always making us feel special.