C'est ma vie

You Don't Want me as Your Teacher

I am usually, in my daily life, generally intimidated by people. I don't like to deal with any type of administration, especially if we are the ones doing the begging because I always end up saying the wrong things, and in general, I just never really know what to say, even if it's a casual dinner party in a room full of people I don't know. Etienne once asked "Why do you always look embarassed when people come talk to you?", and I guess it's because at heart I'm an introvert and am just not comfortable with any type of social interaction.

In the class room, it's a different story. When I taught university in the US, I was my students' friend. There were no discipline problems, we could laugh and joke about things and they still did their work and I was respected because they thought I was "cool". Well, in France, that doesn't work. You show one sign of coolness and the students will walk all over you in utter disrespect. You have to be firm and willing to confront problems with your students because they will purposefully try to go against you (it's the French way to automatically rebel against any type of rule). At first, I was too nice and I took it to heart when a student would complain that I wasn't being clear enough or I was asking too much, but then I learned that EVERY student here is going to contest in some way or other to try and test the teacher's limits. Two years ago, after a couple years' experience under my belt, I started learning to be more firm. I would confront a student who would listen to an MP3 player during class. Threats that a student would go to a higher authority because she didn't agree with my grading I would just put to the side because I learned that they never followed through and that my grading is the way I do it and that the student has no right to complain. For my group of trainees to be Personal Assistants (who I have the whole year), I lay down a set of rules that they have to sign and only towards the end do I lighten up and I find that they respect me because of that (proof: last Xmas I got a 40 euro Sephora gift certificate and a handmade pair of earrings from them!)

So, yesterday when a student for the millioneth time incessantly typed away at her computer (obviously chatting with someone) during my class, when I explicitly said while I am teaching NO using the computer, whereas two years ago I would have just let it go in fear that the student would hate me, this was my reaction yesterday

"Sandra, I am really impressed with your ability to type notes as I am speaking, that shows that your WPM have really improved, could you give the class a few pointers on how to take notes on Word as I am speaking, what format to you use, do you use paragraphs or just type everything together?"

Silence.

"Didn't think so. Close your email or the Messanger Window and this had better be the only time I have to remind you."

Confidence is the key. But, underneath that reaction, I was still uneasy and had to muster up the courage to say that. Still, you don't want me as your teacher, France has turned me into a bitch in the class room.

It's just one of those weeks

Craziness, this week. Usually, my 12 hour work week allows me to be at home getting caught up on things 2 days a week, and if I'm lucky, 3, and then only having to go into work 2 days, or 2 and a half. But, this week is different because I've been working every afternoon and since the kids have to be at the daycare pretty early, I've been going into work in the mornings too to grade an unending amount of papers and to plan classes, which has made for an almost full time schedule. Now, I realize to most of you, this is what you do all the time and you've found some type of system to get things done at home while working, but when you are used to having those 2 or 3 days without the kids to do laundry, clean the house, and get caught up on things in general and not to mention study for upcoming exams, it seems a bit of a shock to get home at 7 pm and make dinner, take care of the kids, and do all that other stuff and then by the time you get it done, it's already 10 pm, you are wiped and then you forget that thing you needed to print off for work, or what about that letter you needed to write to so and so, or what about the test you are supposed to give tomorrow that you haven't typed up?

My hopes were to finish Gab's sweater, there's only one sleeve left to knit and then sew up the thing, but it didn't happen. Guess I'll take it to Dubai. I did, however, have to use all the fruits and vegetables in the fridge that I know Etienne won't eat during our absence, so last night I had a cook fest making Louise some purées to freeze for when she starts solids and to make this with the two lemons I never know what to do with (we get a delivery of organic fruits and vegetables each week, so we don't really choose what want, but it makes us try new things). And, of course packing for our trip. That about wraps up my time this week: cooking, packing, and working.

My hope is that by the time we get on the plane tomorrow, the cough syrup will kick in and Gab will feel the urge to take a little nap so that his momma can take a little nap too!

Just Rain on My Parade, Won't You?

If anyone knows Etienne well, you know that he is critical about EVERYTHING! Someone says "hi" to him in the street, he has to analyze why that person said "hi". If he meets someone who seems nice, to him they aren't truly "nice", they just appear that way. And, going to see movies with him is the worst because if I think something is good, he usually thinks it's pretentious. In fact, to get him to accept something in a positive light is a little shy of a miracle!

Today I took my students to a private guided visit in English of UNESCO. Because of Etienne's critical view of things, especially of "change the world" organizations, I went into the thing thinking, yeah right, just be sure to watch out for idealism. But, the tour was fascinating and absolutely humbling. Their headquarters haven't been updated since it looks like the 1970s because they are using money on other stuff. Their motto, "Wars are started in the minds of men, so the only path to peace starts in the mind" is powerful. And, the things they do are really interesting. We were able to sit in a conference room and just have an open table question-answer session with our tour guide, who was also very passionate about her work. One of the most interesting things I remember her saying is look at any kindergarten or daycare and one kid wants a toy and everything for himself, but he needs to learn how to share. Things get pretty messed up in our world when even at a young age children are not taught to share and want everything for themselves, and that simple concept can create war in uneducated societies. I could go on, and on, but the whole experience was touching, and it was the first time I heard the schpiel of some political activist organization and not be turned away but rather drawn in.

So, my enthusiasm showed itself on the telephone with Etienne as he was coming home from work. Somehow, I KNEW that he would be negative, critical and ironic because of course he can't simply accept antecdotes (such as the one I told of the Bangladesh schools not allowing girls to come because they didn't have the necessary money to create toilets for them) lightheartedly and has to find an ulterior motive. I didn't even get into what she said about UNESCO's budget of 610 million euros every 2 years when CANAL PLUS had a budget of 660 million euros just for ONE football match last year- what does that show about our values in the Occident? Anyway, after his knieving irony "Oh, so you want to go and work for UNESCO now", which reminded me too much of my little brother mocking me in high-school with "Oh, so you want me to cry and have pity", I did what every respectable wife would do who is enthusiastic about something but doesn't get the same response from her husband (yes, because of my dramatic nature, I have been known to get unusually enthusiastic about things for a short while, something Etienne despises), I hung up on him and blogged about it.

I won't let my parade be rained on.

The Great Bed Debate

Well, I didn't win the bet on ebay for the bed. I could have gone higher than 20 euros, but it wasn't worth it to get a bed that we didn't really want and a mattress that was worn out. Anyway, since then, I have decided that we need this bed. When down, it has enough space underneath it to store whatever you want, even put furniture. Then, if you need access to all the stuff, the bed just goes up to the ceiling. That means we could actually put a dresser or a desk underneath and use it whereas a stationary bed would mean that we could only store stuff but not use the space underneath when we want. This project is just a dream anyway because knowing my husband, we'll still be sleeping on a full size mattress on the floor 10 years from now. A bed like this probably is in the 2000-3000 euro range, pretty expensive. And, this is where the debate begins.

There are a couple of big purchases we need to make: extra seats for our minivan and of course a bed. Etienne sees the need of the seats because in the coming months we will need to transport extra people around and we often need to take people places. However, he doesn't see the need for a bed since we technically have a place to sleep. We have been really good about not spending any money for the past couple months, and that continues. But, if the decision were up to me, I'd just say the hell with it, let's purchase these two big things, get them out of the way, and we're set because we'll probably never really have the money for them and if we just wait, it will never get done. And, honestly, spending a lot on a bed doesn't bother me because I know we'll have it for a long, long time and that it's part of setting up our apartment, which we're bound to be in for a long, long time. Might as well do things right.

Well, any time I mention the bed, I get "There you go again, wanting to spend, spend, spend money rather than make do with what we have" (and that's the response I get for any talk of buying beds, even a cheap Ikea one). Etienne's mom, his sister, even his cousins have all tried to persuade him that he's crazy, but he won't budge. So, then I told him "I am going to start a savings plan for the damn bed and when we have enough saved up, we'll buy it" and he said no, we can use the money for other things.

Arghhhhh, I don't think this is a debate that will finish easily. If either of us has to have back surgery in the next 5 years because verterbrae are displaced and disks slipped, you'll know why.

In the Closet

I just found out today that Gab has been totally in the closet about his potty training experience. All these weeks of thinking he's just not ready (we've tried keeping him in big boy pants the whole day, but he just doesn't feel when he needs to go and has many accidents, we've kept the potty out, we've read books, we've even explained that Dora and cars both have needs when it comes to the bathroom, okay, he doesn't need to know the truth about cars just yet, and nothing happens until he goes all over the apartment rather than where it's supposed to go), and then I find out today that the little stinker has just been a Janus with two faces.

When I went to pick him up at the daycare tonight, I asked his caregiver the usual 'How'd the day go, did he sleep well, did he eat well'? and she responded the usual 'Ate great, slept great, the day was great' and added her usual random thing such as what the kids played with, what they sang, what they read. Today her usual random thing was (and let me add in a very NONCHALANT way) 'Oh, Gab asked to go pee on the potty and he did'. WHAT? I immediately ask 'Is this the first time?' And, again, in a very nonchalant way 'OH, no, it's been about a month now. After lunch we give the kids a choice if they want their diaper on immediately or if they want to sit on the potty and Gab usually wants to sit on the potty and he usually pees, but for the past couple of days I've noticed that he'll say to me pee pee and then he'll lead me there to go.'

And yet, when I say 'Gab, you want to go to the potty' the response is 'No, no potty'. We're having a crash course this weekend with the littlest hope of him being trained in time for our plane trip to Dubai in a week (okay, I know it's expecting WAY too much, but one can still hope!)

After all, I am an adult

We recently got invited to a dinner party, and I had misread the invitation and thought that kids were invited. So, I RSVPed for all of us and put the host in an awkward position having to tell us that it was more of a grown-up party. Sorry Stefanie!

And, this made me realize that this is the first grown-up party we've been invited to in a long time because mostly we frequent couples who have kids around Gab's age and they either bring them here or we take our kids there. For New Year's Eve, the kids almost outnumbered the adults. And, I guess there comes a point in your life when you ditch the sans enfants crowd. I think our time is rapidly approaching. We're not big on babysitters just because if you know how much we don't get off our butts to do something, you are going to understand that we are not going to take the time to recruit a babysitter. We were supposed to hire a cleaning lady, but we are just too lazy to make the phone calls.

Anyway, after getting some clarification about the dinner party, Etienne quicky volunteered to stay home with the kids on Friday night to let me go have fun for once. But, my first reaction was no way, I am not leaving everyone at home so that I can go out. It's like leading a thirsty horse to water and then the horse doesn't drink. Here, I get a chance to go out and have some fun and I don't want to. Etienne persuaded me of my utter silliness and told me to think about why I don't want to go alone and have a night off from changing diapers, mopping up spit-up, and hearing Gab say 'cars' more than you've ever heard in your life.

The truth is, that I actually like all that stuff! It's become a part of my daily dress, and leaving them behind would feel like leaving the house naked. I am scared to have a conversation that doesn't involve crèches and what size clothes the kids are wearing and potty training and rather GASP talk about something more interesting, and I'm afraid of what I'm going to do with the energy that I usually spend running after Gab and feeding Louise- what do you adults do?

But, after all I am an adult too, so come Friday night I am going to shed my security blanket and put on that party dress that still fits after 2 pregnancies.

I must be crazy

Either that or I think I'm Bree Vandeekamp-Hodge.

We officially set the date for Louise's baptism for May 19th at the church across the street. And, baptisms in France are practially weddings- you invite everyone for a big meal, you have baptism favors, etc... We decided to have an informal pizza lunch or something of the sort at our place beforehand (but the planning is still in the works), have the ceremony, then head to Normandy for the champagne apéritif before going to a restaurant for dinner. Yes, we're in France, the cake, punch, and mints for an hour in the basement of the church simply won't suffice.

Anyway, the typical favors for a wedding or baptism are 'dragées' or sugar coated almonds or chocolate. This is what I did for Gab's baptism. But, I'm kind of tired of the whole dragée thing. So, I told Etienne last night that instead, for the favors I would like to either make lavender sachets for the guests or make an assortment of sugar cookies, fudge, and divinity and put it in a cute, handmade fabric bag. Then, I said,"Let's make our own cake too, it can't be that hard". We're talking a wedding cake, people. Me, making a multi-layered cake? Etienne responded "No, that's okay, we'll just have the bakery do it". And, I said, "I'd really like to try, after all, it can't be that difficult, and it could be fun". Then, I added that for Louise's gown I'd knit her up some white slippers.

I must be going insane. Someone please stop me. We have definitely been watching too many Desperate Housewives.

A Drive through the Past

Every night I drive from work to Gab and Louise's daycare, I drive through the part of the Bois de Vincennes that we used to live across the street from in the 12th arr. And, each time I drive by the Lac de Daumesnil, so many memories abound.

I used to run around that lake, getting in shape after Gab was born. I would listen to music on my Ipod, music that today  would remind me of finishing my master's degree that year, taking the CAPES for the third time, walking up the 5 flights of stairs without an elevator

, having our first "real" apartment with a big living room and a separate bedroom for Gab, feeling at the same time like a 20 something student but also like a grown up and not quite finding my place, going through many trials and errors trying to cook meals and get organized. That year after Gab was born proved to be to this point probably the most difficult one for our marriage because you don't realize the adjustments you have to make when you have a child, and Etienne and I got swallowed up in them so much that we kind of lost track of us. That year was definitely a year of trials, but it was also a year of very warm and fond memories, one that I miss as I drive by that lake each night. With Louise, there aren't any trials and errors, everything was aready established. I feel more confident in my role as mother, as wife, and about who I am in general. I'm less stressed, there are no surprises, but at the same time there is no newness, no adventures like Gab's first year. The kitchen is always clean, I don't feel overwhelmed, and even cooking is neary painless. Paradoxically, I actually get more done and feel like I have more energy with 2 kids rather than with just Gab. Etienne and I are both more secure in our roles as parents, and on a whole, I feel like I'm on top of things rather than a brainless mess like I was with Gab. On the other hand, I do miss the discovery of learning what it was like to be a parent for the first time- so many memories I will never forget. We moved in August before Louise was born; with Gab we had also moved, but just a month after he was born. For some reason this new apartment, even though it is bigger and better, just doesn't have the warmth that old apartment did. I think there is something about that first apartment or house you have with your first child that always sticks with you. For now, I will cherish those memories I am fondly reminded of when I drive by that lake, and I will always remember the pain, happiness, joy, frustration, and hope we experienced that first year we were parents to Gab. I will also be thankful for our security now, that we can move on to feel grounded and confident.

My husband is a Bat

Ever since I've known him, Etienne has had the strangest sleep patterns. His mom blames it on his study abroad year in the US when he was 18 (if you listen to her, he just never got over jet lag) and begs him to see a sleep therapist to get him back on track. I just think that's the way he is. Either that, or he's a bat.

I would say 95 percent of the time, his schedule is as follows: He will get 2-4 hours of sleep, teach, and then come home the next day and go to bed around 8 pm, wake up at midnight because he can't go back to sleep, stay up the whole night, teach the next day, and then come home and sleep the whole afternoon to pull another all-nighter again. Or, if it's the weekend, he'll just sleep in, really late. Or, if he does miraculously get 11 hours of sleep, you'll still catch him taking a nap in the afternoon.

This is in complete opposite of my schedule, which couldn't follow a more regular pattern. Since we do have kids present, if I'm not in bed by midnight, I can't function the next day because their schedules are bed at 9, wake up at 9. And, usually their nap time is for me to do something I can't get done when they are awake, so no naps for me (even though I LOVE afternoon naps!)

Most of the time, E's nocturnal schedule isn't bothersome, and it really helped with Louise's middle of the night feedings when I wanted some sleep.  Maybe someday he'll get over his apparent jet lag...

We need a bed

Here is the history of our conjugal bed:

In our tiny 500 sq foot apartment, Etienne had a "mezzanine", or loft bed set up and we couldn't have managed without that space underneath. It was the size of a full bed, and it was often cramped trying to crawl over one another. When pregnant with Gab, I had to sleep on the couch, and when we moved, I vowed never again to have a bed so difficult to get into.

In our second apartment, we decided to get a mezzanine, but with a staircase that would make it easier to get in and out of. Remember we live in Paris where space is limited, and a loft bed gives you so much more room. Well, that plan never came through, and we ended up putting the box springs of the bunk bed on the floor, but when those broke, we just put the full size mattress on the floor, and that's how we've been sleeping for the past 2 years.

In this apartment, we wanted a custom made bed because we can't find what we are looking for anywhere else. We want a loft bed, but not one that goes up to the ceiling, one that is halfway between the floor and the ceiling that we can still get down from without a ladder but that provides lots of storage space underneath. We'd even want it high enough to have 3 or 4 steps leading up to it and of course we need a queen size bed, especially since we usually wake up with a nighttime visitor around 2 and a half who usually kicks me out of the bed. But, since this needs to be custom made and involves a lot of planning and money we don't have right now, we put the project to rest for awhile and are still sleeping on the mattress on the floor while the organization of the room is in limbo and there are literally things everywhere just waiting for a place.

Last week, Etienne said to me we need a bed, he's tired of sleeping on the floor but that we don't have the resources right now to buy that bed and we would just have to wait. Why wait? I just bet on a queen size bed frame and mattress from Ikea on ebay for a euro. It's not what we want right now, but for a euro, you can't go wrong and it can be a solution while waiting. Besides, we are getting ready to inherit some furniture (armoire and dresser) from E's family that will compliment the room nicely and make us clean up, so we need a bed to go with it.

Etienne is going to kill me, so we need to find a way to ease into this if I do indeed win the bed. Will let you know the outcome.