The other day, I (gasp) decided to move out of what has become my custom uniform since Alice was born and even before that- jeans and a shirt, sometimes the same shirt for several days in a row and if I'm really on top of things, a pair of earrings, but usually I forget and barely leave the house with matching shoes. I opted for a skirt, shirt, earrings and a necklace. I was sure Louise's caregivers didn't recognize me when I dropped her off at the daycare, but let's not get too excited- still no makeup and I plan on keeping it that way until September 1. I sure hope there's not an age when I have to start wearing makeup...
Anyway, as I went to put on my necklace, which is hanging next to another familiar necklace, a nauseated feeling came over me precisely at the same moment I had a flashback to a year ago because it was around this time a year ago I bought these necklaces in a desperate attempt, despite my day long nausea and increasing feelings of ugliness, to look halfway decent went we went back to the US for my brother's wedding. None of my clothes really fit and I didn't like how I looked in anything, I felt fat, ugly, and aimless, and the necklaces, cheap made-in-China imports sitting pretty at H and M, somehow didn't provoke any feeling of nausea- they were my answer to getting through the first 3 months of pregnancy. But, as I looked at them the other day and probably hadn't worn them since a year ago, I was reminded of what they represented.
During my first three months, we went through a lot of emotion. I found out I was pregnant literally the week after the most dreaded teaching inspection, for no reason whatsoever, took place. On the one hand, the timing was perfect because we had wanted this pregnancy to allow me to have almost the whole school year off starting in September, on the other hand, the prospect of me having to do another student teaching year meant that I would miss a school year and then have to come back 2 years down the road to go through another year of hell. I was given another chance at a teaching inspection when the nausea and aimlessness hit and hit hard. I literally didn't feel like doing a thing, only felt like eating certain things, and it seemed like our life was on hold. This was when I needed to be packing for our month long stay in the US, when I needed to wrap up the school year, when I needed to be doing so many other things besides sitting on the couch waiting for those 3 months to go by. I remember attending an end of year cookout in the courtyard of my school, the feelings of nausea so overwhelming, and me in a makeshift outfit that barely fit- I wasn't feeling pretty at all. I remember Gab and Louise at this cookout- still at the ages where they were difficult to manage, especially in crowds where there is a buffet. I remember going to my 3 month checkup, finding out that I gained 4 kilos (luckily, in the end I only gained 12 for the whole pregnancy) because I would just eat to kill off any nausea. It was around this time that I started having a hunch that I was carrying a little girl.
When people in the US would ask me what I was thinking about for first names, I would reply "Alice."
Here we are, a year later, a year that I've had off of work, and I think I will always look at those necklaces and feel that feeling of nausea accompanied by the feeling of instability because that is what that moment in my life felt like. First the job instability, then the instability with how I physically felt, none of my clothes fit right, I was aimless, then our trip to the US, which was unstable in its own right, as I had lost some of my bearings and we were on shaky ground at best. But, shortly after that 3 month period was over, life started becoming more stable again: I officially became a certified teacher, we drew up and carried out plans to build a new kitchen, my hunch that we were going to have a little Alice was confirmed, and Gab and Louise started becoming much more manageable. Wow, what a year. It's gone by so fast and yet so slowly. I remember last Fall sitting in the parking lot of Ikea during our Nth trip to get something for the kitchen and thinking to myself "I have so many months ahead of me until June"
Here we are, a pregnancy, a birth, and an almost 6 month old later. And, starting in September, begins our new journey of me working and our lives with 3 kids evolving over the years. No more big changes such as adding another child to the mix, just years ahead of us of raising the kids. For now, all I can think about is September. I am a bit intimidated about going back to work, arranging our schedules to be able to take Gab and Louise to school, for me being able to take off Wed. (I'm only in the classroom 18 hours a week, so technically, it's feasible to have a day off, but it will involve a lot of fighting with the school principal because ALL the teachers want to arrange their schedules differently etc...), not being able to take the kids to their doc and dentists appointments, not being able to have enough time to do my own hobbies- but, I'm also looking forward to this new life. I can't believe Gab will be 5 at the end of the month, and as I sit and play with my little Louise, I sometimes wish she could stay this age forever, but I do know life does have to move on. The other day my MIL said to me "When I see Gab and Louise playing, it feels like yesterday when my own were that age playing in the yard, time just goes by without us even realizing it."
Oh, what's in a necklace- I hope we have many more necklaces in the future that represent the memories we'll make, the good and the bad times, the nauseating times, the aimless times, and the happy times.
